Jokes???

[Tommy_B]

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

 

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

 

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dlckhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered

[Shane]

Seen written on the back of a filthy transit...

' I wish my wife was this dirty'

Beneath that someone had added...

'She is!'

[dent]

Seen written on the back of a filthy transit...

' I wish my wife was this dirty'

Beneath that someone had added...

'She is!'

 

someone wrote down the side of my truck something similiar but "but your mum is " instead and also "lick my rim" round the wheel arch

[Tommy_B]

My favourite was to write on my mates van "The only tool left in this vehicle is the driver"

 

Simple things.....

[tommer9]

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, Cinderella happily sits upon

 

her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat

 

named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the

 

fairy godmother."Fairy Godmother! what are you doing here after all these

 

years?"The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary

 

life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there

 

anything for which your heart still yearns for?" Cinderella was taken back,

 

overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first

 

wish:"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to

 

mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

 

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank

 

you, Fairy Godmother"The fairy godmother replied "It is the least that I can do.

 

What do you want for your second wish?"Cinderella looked down at her frail body,

 

and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."At

 

once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

 

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.And then

 

the fairy godmother spoke once more: You have one more wish; what shall it

 

be?Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish

 

for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young

 

man."Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological

 

make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of

 

him neither she nor the world had ever seen.The fairy godmother said,

 

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of

 

bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she

 

appeared.For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's

 

eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly

 

perfect man she had ever seen.Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat

 

transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.He

 

leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he

 

whispered.........."Bet you're sorry you neutered me now!!!!!!"

[nepia]

Only the British would send a Royal Navy ship named after a sausage to a Muslim country to rescue foreign workers!

God Bless HMS Cumberland and all who sail in her.

[Dave Martin]

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with a machine gunner on board.

Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying ‘English speaking Doctor’.

I thought; “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.

"Yes it is" I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"

"I did once & he looked really angry."

"Why angry?"

Because he was watching through the window.!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa...

Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.

It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

[ad15]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the

vet..

 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[Stephen Blair]

peach ha ha

[tommer9]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

 

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

 

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

 

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

 

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,

 

"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

 

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."