Jokes???

[eggsarascal]

A Yorkshireman's Whippet died. He decided to have a gold statue of it made as a tribute. So he says to the jeweller "eh up lad, can tha mek us a gold statue o' me Whippet?" "Certainly sir" says the jeweller, "would you like it eighteen carrat"? "Nay lad" says the Yorkshireman, "Gnawing on a bone will be fine".

[eggsarascal]

I went to the pub last night and got absolutely slaughtered. It was too far to walk home, in any case I could hardly stand up, so I took a bus.

 

I'm quite proud of myself, I'd never driven a bus before.

[Mark J]

[SteveA]

Knock knock....

Who's there?

Stihl

Stihl who?

Stihl knocking... knock, knock... knock, knock...

Who's there?

Stihl

Stihl who?

Stihl knocking... knock,knock... knock, knock...

Who's there?

knock, knock, knock, knock

**opens door

**nobody there...

 

Must have been an Echo!

 

 

 

[Daniël Bos]

I have a perpetual fear of escalators,
I have to take steps to avoid them.

[billpierce]

I have decided to get rid of my vacuum cleaner, it's just collecting dust!

Sent from my SM-G390F using Arbtalk mobile app

[TIMON]

A man and wife go to see the consultant at hospital to get his test results because he's been very sick.
The consultant asks to speak with the wife in private and tells her that her husband has a very serious and rare illness.
He could be dead within three months. His only hope is if he stops working and gets looked after by his wife. He must only eat his favourite things. Drink his favourite drinks. Watch all of his favourite films and TVs shows. He mustn't lift a finger in the house and must be waited on hand and foot in total luxury if he is to stand any chance of surviving this illness.
The wife is understandably distraught at the news.
Driving home from the hospital the husband asks the wife....
"What did the consultant say to you?"
The wife replies....
"I'm really sorry love, you've only got three months to live!"

[SteveA]

Q: What do you call an arborist?...

A: Anything you like cuz he's deaf as a bat.

 

[SteveA]

Q: What do you call a groundie?

A: Anything you like cuz he's deaf as a bat.

[SteveA]

Q: What do you call an arbtalk member?

A: Anything you like cuz he/ she is deaf as a bat.