Jokes???

[nepia]

Young lad asks his gran 'Nan, have you seen my tablets marked LSD?'

'Sod the tablets' says Nan - 'have you seen the dragons in kitchen?'

[Matthew Burton]

The England team today visited an African orphanage.

"Its great to put smiles on peoples faces who have no hope and are constantly stuggling against the imposible"

Said Jamel Umboto, age 6.

[tommer9]

man goes to the doctors...'I cant say my F's and TH's ' he says..

 

 

'Well you cant say fairer than that' says the doctor

[ad15]

sorry if this has been seen already.

 

man walks into a brothel, asks "how much for complete humiliation?"

 

the madame says "today... £37.50"

 

"and what do i get for that?" asks the man.

 

"an england shirt" replies the madame

[Dave Martin]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

 

"I want to live forever," I said.

 

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

 

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when England win the world cup."

 

"You crafty cock!" said the fairy.

[Paul Jenks]

Haven't read all of them so I hope this one isn't a repeat.

 

What has a monkey and a chainsaw got in common?

 

They both fcuk up trees.

[Ben90]

What did the tree surgeon say when he walked in on his friend trying to hang himself?

 

 

"How does that SRT work then?"

[RobRainford]

[alex_m]

I'm fed up of hearing all these Raoul Moat jokes - they're not even raoulmoatly funny.

[Old WoodChip]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

 

 

 

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a

moral at the end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

 

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

 

 

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

 

 

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

 

 

'Very good,' said the teacher.

 

 

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the

meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only

got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

 

 

'That was a fine story, Sarah.'

 

 

'Michael, do you have a story to share?'

 

 

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

 

 

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

 

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

 

 

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

 

 

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

 

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

 

 

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible

story?'

 

"Stay the f%*k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!"