Jokes???

[geoff]

The First Woman On The Moon....

 

"Houston, we have a problem."

 

What?

 

"Never mind"

 

What's the problem?

 

"Nothing"

 

Please tell us?

 

"You know what the problem is."

[jamesfwpurdy]

I heard recently a story about a poor little boy with a terrible addiction to raffle tickets, his bedroom is literally full of them.

Doctors think he may have contracted tombola.

[PeteB]

Ironically, when Pistorious woke up this morning, there was a burglar in his bathroom!

[Stubby]

Ironically, when Pistorious woke up this morning, there was a burglar in his bathroom!

 

Thats a CRACKER !

[Mark J]

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.”

“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”

She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.

“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.

“$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?”

The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.” Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.

“Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.” He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”

[leswold]

:laugh1:Brill.

[JLA Arborists]

My grandfather clock stopped working yesterday, so I took it the the local clock shop in hope it can be repaired.

The old gent in there who insists he was Swiss, but had a heavy German accent asked "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

So I let him know it used to go tick-tock tick-tock but now only goes tick-tick-tick.

The old man seams confused, and rummages under the counter. After a few minutes he pulls out a large torch and come round to the grandfather clock.

He turns on the torch and shines it in the clocks face. Then in a menacing voice says "Ve have vays of making you tock"

[PeteB]

I was in the pub with my girlfriend last night when she said, "Can I ask you a question?"

 

"Sure, babe," I replied, stroking her hair. "What is it?"

 

She said, "Why are you with me?"

 

I said, "Because I love you."

 

She said, "I know, but this is the ladies toilets and I'm trying to have a ****."

[PeteB]

I like this.....

[Mike Dempsey]

Think I will laser engrave that one on a wooden plaque and hang it up in the workshop!