Jokes???

[farmer rod]

I have a dog called Blacksmith, if you kick him in the balls he makes a bolt for the door.

[Bob Slade]

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

[PeteB]

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... Floor.

 

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

 

4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 

9. Is there another word for synonym?

 

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

 

11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 

14. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

 

15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

 

19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

 

20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

21. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

 

22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

 

23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

 

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

 

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

 

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

 

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

 

29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

 

30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 

31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

 

32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

 

33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

 

34. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only?' the dogs can't read and their owners are blind!

[jamesfwpurdy]

In an argument what is the difference between a woman and a knife?

 

The knife has a point!!!!

 

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[Gus McWilliam]

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

The flags a big plus

 

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[FriarsGorse]

How do you make an octopus laugh ???

 

Ten tickles.

[Bob Slade]

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois, bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey baby......whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Bob Slade]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

 

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

 

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

 

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

 

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

 

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

 

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."

 

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

 

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge

[ArthurBottlesworth]

FRIGHTENING STATISTIC

 

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness

 

That means 75% of them are running around untreated

[Bob Slade]

How many will nick this

 

 

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch.

Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."

The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is.

He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"