Jokes???

[WeeDee]

These two tramps are sitting on a park bench and one of them is wearing only one shoe.

 

His friend looks curiously at the odd feet and asks 'You loose a shoe?'

 

'No' is the reply. 'I found one'.

[Garyjp]

Tramp walks into a pub and asks the landlord hiya mate, can i borrow a fork?

Landlord a little confused but says ok but youre not staying in the pub!

No probs says the tramp, just want a fork and off he goes.

5 minutes later another another tramp walks in and says hello landlord, can i borrow a fork?

Yes ok but youre not staying here right?

Nope, just want a spoon and the tramp leaves.

Another five minutes and another tramp walks in!

The landlord says to the tramp, let me guess, you want a fork right?

 

Errr, no a straw actually says the tramp.

 

The landlord pretty confused by now says to the tramp, ive just had 2 of youre mates in here asking for a fork and now you come in wanting a straw....wtf is going on???

 

Ahhh! Says the tramp, someone has thrown up outside, and the other 2 got the best bits!

 

 

 

Sent using Arbtalk Mobile App

[WeeDee]

Two tramps sitting in a cemetery, looking around and thinking.

 

George, when I die will you visit my grave and pour a bottle of whiskey all over it? Would you do that for me, old friend?

 

Of course I will, but do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?

[Garyjp]

A tramp walks into a jewellers and immediately puts a hand down the back of his pants and and starts having a good ole scratch and rooting around.

The store manager shouts at the tramp what the heck are you doing get out of my shop!

 

The tramp replies, you gotta sign outside saying "pick your ring in comfort", thought i would do just that!

 

 

Sent using Arbtalk Mobile App

[nipski]

I ran out of Tesco with a joint of beef, the security guard shouted at me "What are you doing with that?!"...... " roast spuds, peas, parsnips, gravy & yorkies, you nosey bastard!" I shouted back.

[JLA Arborists]

DOG FOR SALE

 

 

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

 

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.

 

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

 

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

 

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten quid," the owner says.

 

"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying ba***rd, he's never been out of the garden

[Mull]

DOG FOR SALE

 

 

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

 

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.

 

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

 

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

 

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten quid," the owner says.

 

"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying ba***rd, he's never been out of the garden

 

Oh dear! A very poor punchline.

[JLA Arborists]

My apologies, it was a forward from a friend.

[aspenarb]

I got the wife one of those Pug dogs for a present the other day, despite the squashed nose,rolls of fat ,bulging eyes,bad breath and being as ugly as the dog really likes her.

 

Bob

Edited December 3, 2013 by Stephen Blair

[Stubby]

Oh dear! A very poor punchline.

 

What ? Its a cracker !