Jokes???

[Woodcrafter]

An old couple were at the alter just about to renew their wedding vowels , when. The old man turned and says. To. His wife I've just done a silent fart what shall I do ? She reples change the batteries in your hearing aid!!!!

Edited May 25, 2013 by Stephen Blair

[PeteB]

The name of that well known Asian karaoke singer - Gerupta Singh

 

The name of that Asian lesbian - Minge Eater

 

Or that Irish lesbian - Gay Lick

[nipski]

There are two things two worry about in life: either you are well or unwell. If you are well you have nothing to worry about, but if you are unwell then there are only two things to worry about: you either get better or you die. If you get better then you have nothing to worry about, but if you die then you only have two things to worry about: you either go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven then you have nothing to worry about, but if you go to hell you will be so busy shaking hands with all of your friends, you won't have time to worry.... SO WHY WORRY!

[PeteB]

True Story!

 

Dylan Hartley, rugby player for Northampton Saints and England and was in the Lions team until he recently got sent off in the league final against Leicester Tigers, was a guest speaker at a midlands club recently.

 

The usual question and answer session was getting tedious and boring, with pompous questions about the politics of the sport, selections for the Lions tour, scrum down prceedure etc. A mates pal put his hand up,

 

"Your question Sir?" Asked Dylan....

 

"Has your Mum ever caught you having a w4^€?"......needless to say the room dissolved into much laughter, there is no record of the reply!

[teepeeat]

An old couple were at the alter just about to renew their wedding vowels , when. The old man turned and says. To. His wife I've just done a silent fart what shall I do ? She reples change the batteries in your hearing aid!!!!

 

just looking for some clarity on the wedding vowels - in the modern world I'm thinking IOU

[Tree Man Tom]

Nelson Mandela is sitting on the verandah at home when there is a knock at the front door. He is surprised when he opens the door to find a small Chinese man holding a clipboard.The China man thrusts the clipboard towards Nelson and says "You sign, You sign" Looking over the China man's shoulder he notices the delivery mans lorry which is full with gearboxes. Again the China man shouts "You sign, You sign".Confused but certain that this can not be right Mr. Mandela refuses to sign for the delivery and sends the driver packing.The following day there is another knock at the door, again it is the small Chinese delivery man. "You sign, You sign" he barks. This time Nelson notices that the lorry is carrying a cargo of rear axles. Again the delivery driver thrusts the clipboard under Nelson's nose "You sign, You sign".This is not for me Mr. Mandela tells the excited delivery driver, now piss OFF! and he closes the door.The next afternoon the Chinese man is again on the doorstep with his clipboard, "You sign, You sign" Beside himself with anger Mr. Mandela glances at the mans lorry and notices that today's consignment is windscreens."You sign, You sign" and again the clipboard is thrust in to his face.At the point of despair Nelson screams at the China man "THE GEAR BOXES WERE NOT FOR ME! THE REAR AXLES WERE NOT FOR ME! I DO NOT WANT THESE WINDSCREENS! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING AT MY HOUSE?The Chinese man replies "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[sloth]

Fantastic!

[alex_m]

Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. It's pretty easy, I just stand at the back and ting.

[Stubby]

just looking for some clarity on the wedding vowels - in the modern world I'm thinking IOU

 

Yea thats cleaver !

[slasherscot]

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every ******* one of them.

 

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she`s actually moving during sex?

 

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

 

I went to the doctor?s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, Don't worry, I am a professional I've seen it all before. Just tell me what`s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, ?My wife thinks that my dick tastes like asparagus.?

 

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend??

 

I said to the wife, ?Get me a newspaper? ?Don't be silly,? she said ?You can borrow my iPad? That spider never knew what ******* hit it.