Jokes???

[Rich2484]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

W O R D S

 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

CREATION

 

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

 

The Silent Treatment

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[slasherscot]

Shock news

[skyhuck]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

W O R D S

 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

CREATION

 

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

 

The Silent Treatment

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

 

Are you actually a woman???

[shavey]

paddy goes in a pub and orders three pints of guinness and sits down, barman comes over and says to paddy'' why down you just have one pint and i will bring the other two over'' paddy replies '' no '' let me explain i have a brother in canada and a brother in australia now we all go to a pub on a friday at 8pm and order three pints of guiness to drink to each others health

this carries on for a couple of weeks then on the third week paddy comes in and orders two pints of guiness barman thinks oh dear one brother must have died

the following week paddy came in and ordered two pints of guiness

and the barman says to paddy'' iam sorry to see one of your brothers have died''

paddy replies'' what do you mean''

barman says ''you have only been ordering two pints of guiness lately and i thought one of your brothers had passed on''

 

paddy replies ''no no my brothers are all fit and well, it s me i have given up drinking :thumbup:

[geoff]

During my physical examination, the doctor asked Me about my physical activity level.

I said I spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;

I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake.

I climbed several rocky hills.

I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.

I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon"

 

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

 

"No," I replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer".

[Mycoman]

"Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?". Asked the wife, enigmatically.

 

"No" I said.

 

She gave a sexy smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a £20 note.

"Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?" she asked next.

 

"No" I said.

 

Again, a sexy smile, and she pulled a fifty from her knickers.

"Have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" was the next question.

 

"No" I said, by this time very intrigued.

 

 

 

 

"Well go and look in the garage."

[doobin]

"Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?". Asked the wife, enigmatically.

 

"No" I said.

 

She gave a sexy smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a £20 note.

"Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?" she asked next.

 

"No" I said.

 

Again, a sexy smile, and she pulled a fifty from her knickers.

"Have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" was the next question.

 

"No" I said, by this time very intrigued.

 

 

 

 

"Well go and look in the garage."

 

Love it! :lol:

[slasherscot]

Bedroom Golf

 

* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

 

* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

 

* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

 

* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

 

* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

 

* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

 

* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

 

* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.

 

* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

 

* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

 

* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

 

* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

 

* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

 

* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 

* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

 

* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[sloth]

.....

[woodpile]

Sloth, that is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Totally made my day, ta!