Jokes???

[Tree Man Tom]

Just lost my job as a bingo caller. Apparently a meal for two with a hairy view is not the correct way to call 69

[Lyn Ed]

Can you believe it, they sent my income tax return form back to me,

In response to question 4 `do you have any dependants` i replied,

 

2.1 million illegal immigrants

 

1.1 million crackheads

 

4.4 million unemployed

 

901 thousand people in over 85 prisons

 

and 650 idiots in parliment

 

apparently, this was not an acceptable answer

[geoff]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

__________________

[RobArb]

Haha!

 

Sent from my Galaxy S2

[Al Cormack]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for* * heart surgery,but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

 

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.*The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

 

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation forgiving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

 

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through acorrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-youcard and a box of* Quality Street chocolates.

 

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kindgesture as he had anticipated.

 

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of* Quality Street ."

 

 

 

To this the Arab replied:

 

 

 

"Aye laddie,but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[PeteB]

I see Victoria Pendleton's bike seat is for sale on Ebay, bargain - not to be sniffed at....

[geoff]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Ron came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,

 

"Hi Ron."

[geoff]

Hope this ones not too strong,if so pleasr delete...

 

 

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!

[Guss109]

Hope this ones not too strong,if so pleasr delete...

 

 

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!

 

:lol: will have to remember that one:laugh1:

[oldwoodcutter]

I see the yanks have got to mars with that buggy.

Its not common knowledge but for the past 25 years they've been planning to get one on the sun,but have always had the problem of it being too hot.

After a brainstorming session last week they have now finally solved the problem.

They're going at night.