Jokes???

[oldwoodcutter]

Well boys ive had enough of it,ime off to Australia

Ive got all the koalafications.

[Martyn Amos]

you wont hear from me for a while,being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.................i gotta lilo................

[PeteB]

Two tree Surgeons go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first chap.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first chap, a Climber, needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the Climber said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the Climber.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the Climber decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the Climber replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The Climber nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the Climber said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The Climber nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the Climber boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the Climber exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The Climber left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the Groundie asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."

"A what?" the puzzled Groundie asked.

"Let me explain" the Climber continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a wanker then!"

Edited May 30, 2012 by PeteB

[Tommy_B]

Two tree Surgeons go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first chap.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first chap, a Climber, needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the Climber said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the Climber.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the Climber decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the Climber replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The Climber nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the Climber said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The Climber nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the Climber boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the Climber exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The Climber left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the Groundie asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."

"A what?" the puzzled Groundie asked.

"Let me explain" the Climber continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a wanker then!"

 

:lol:

[Christopher Schroeter]

Just saw a dyslexic yorkshire man wearing a cat flap.

[jamesfwpurdy]

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

 

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

 

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

 

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

 

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?

 

Sent from my GT-I9000 using Tapatalk 2

[Pedroski]

My ribs is aching!

[jamesfwpurdy]

Harry feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Harry was in the garden. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

 

'For God's sake Harry, for the FIFTH time CHICKEN!' she shouted.

[Christopher Schroeter]

I sent a couple of pictures of my wife in to a new programme on channel 4.

 

They sent me them back pointed out the programme was actually called "Fact hunt"

[jnoon]

Just saw a dyslexic yorkshire man wearing a cat flap.

 

 

 

:lol: