Jokes???

[Rich2484]

An old women was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she appeared in court, the judge asked what she had taken.

"a tin of peaches" she said

"why did you take it?"

"they looked ever so nice", the old women answered", fancied them for me tea but didn't have any money,"

 

The judge thought for a bit "well, in view of your years I am prepared to be lenient. How many preachers were in the tin?"

"four" answers the old women.

"right that will be four days in jail, one for each peach. Court dismi-"

"your honour" an old man cried.

"yes?"

"my wife also stole a tin of peas"

[Sam Thompson]

Love my new job, I have sex with some many women!

 

 

 

Seriously, try being an undertaker!

[Christopher Schroeter]

Broke me bloody coat hanger this morning. Had to fashion a new one out of a car aerial.

[geoff]

At a Convent in Ireland . . .

. . . the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

 

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

 

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Bushmills Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

 

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail old nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

 

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

 

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

 

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

 

"Don't sell that cow . . ."

[PeteB]

The Hunting Accident

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[oldwoodcutter]

Well boys ive had enough of it,ime off to Australia

Ive got all the koalafications.

[Martyn Amos]

you wont hear from me for a while,being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.................i gotta lilo................

[PeteB]

Two tree Surgeons go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first chap.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first chap, a Climber, needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the Climber said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the Climber.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the Climber decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the Climber replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The Climber nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the Climber said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The Climber nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the Climber boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the Climber exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The Climber left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the Groundie asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."

"A what?" the puzzled Groundie asked.

"Let me explain" the Climber continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a wanker then!"

Edited May 30, 2012 by PeteB

[Tommy_B]

Two tree Surgeons go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first chap.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first chap, a Climber, needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the Climber said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the Climber.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the Climber decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the Climber replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The Climber nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the Climber said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The Climber nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the Climber boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the Climber exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The Climber left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the Groundie asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."

"A what?" the puzzled Groundie asked.

"Let me explain" the Climber continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a wanker then!"

 

:lol:

[Christopher Schroeter]

Just saw a dyslexic yorkshire man wearing a cat flap.