Jokes???

[Matthew Arnold]

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage. Murphy says "are you mad? Now we're skint". "Come on now" says Paddy "follow me". They go into the pub and order 2 pints and drink before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 10 Pubs and pints later Murphy says "i cant do this anymore, my knees are sore and i'm pissed." How do you think i feel?" says Paddy. "I can't even remember which pub i lost the sausage in"

[Mark J]

My girlfriend was making pasta when I told her we were splitting up. I had to repeat it twice.

 

Then the penne dropped.

[sloth]

My girlfriend was making pasta when I told her we were splitting up. I had to repeat it twice.

 

Then the penne dropped.

 

Nice, true story?

[Tree Man Tom]

At last, after years of atrocities and the appalling treatment of millions, it's over.

Details are still sketchy, but finally it looks like Westlife are splitting up.

[Mark James]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

 

 

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[tommer9]

I spent a few hours at my wifes grave today......

 

 

 

 

She still thinks its gonna be a pond.

[PeteB]

My wife asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb - I drew a willy on it, that will do the job!

[PeteB]

I treated the wench to one of those "Fish Pedicures" the other day and was impressed with the result. Yeh, them Piranhas don't mess about.

[Tyz05]

Paddy's in the bed with his wife one evening when the next door neighbours dog is barking, causing a real nuisance. "I'm going to go down and sort this out for good!" He announces.A few minutes later, Paddy comes back from outside and climbs into the bed, but the dog is still barking."Well, what did you do!?" said the wife."I put it in our garden to see how they like it!"

[geoff]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

 

 

Sent from my aye phone using Tapatalk

 

Superb!