Jokes???

[Tommy_B]

My favourite was to write on my mates van "The only tool left in this vehicle is the driver"

 

Simple things.....

[tommer9]

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, Cinderella happily sits upon

 

her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat

 

named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the

 

fairy godmother."Fairy Godmother! what are you doing here after all these

 

years?"The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary

 

life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there

 

anything for which your heart still yearns for?" Cinderella was taken back,

 

overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first

 

wish:"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to

 

mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

 

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank

 

you, Fairy Godmother"The fairy godmother replied "It is the least that I can do.

 

What do you want for your second wish?"Cinderella looked down at her frail body,

 

and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."At

 

once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

 

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.And then

 

the fairy godmother spoke once more: You have one more wish; what shall it

 

be?Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish

 

for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young

 

man."Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological

 

make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of

 

him neither she nor the world had ever seen.The fairy godmother said,

 

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of

 

bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she

 

appeared.For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's

 

eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly

 

perfect man she had ever seen.Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat

 

transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.He

 

leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he

 

whispered.........."Bet you're sorry you neutered me now!!!!!!"

[nepia]

Only the British would send a Royal Navy ship named after a sausage to a Muslim country to rescue foreign workers!

God Bless HMS Cumberland and all who sail in her.

[Dave Martin]

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with a machine gunner on board.

Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying ‘English speaking Doctor’.

I thought; “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.

"Yes it is" I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"

"I did once & he looked really angry."

"Why angry?"

Because he was watching through the window.!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa...

Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.

It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

[ad15]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the

vet..

 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[Stephen Blair]

peach ha ha

[tommer9]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

 

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

 

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

 

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

 

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,

 

"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

 

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[tommer9]

Duz thoo speak Yawkshire?

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to a vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thoo about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Naw, I've browt it with us."

......................................................................................

A Yorkshire man’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can thoo mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bug ger!"

...................................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

...................................................................................

 

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Noo then lad, does thoo sell AR se cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

.............................................................................

 

Plus.......................

 

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

 

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

 

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

 

The old lady thinks:

The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

 

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

 

The French guy thinks:

That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

 

And the English bloke thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that French bastard again!!

[tommer9]

An old nun

who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers

and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

 

She decided she would take her lunch;

sit with the workers; and talk with them.

 

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

 

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:

"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

 

They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused.

 

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

 

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

 

The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

[oldwoodcutter]

Young fella who'd lost his licsence was hitch-hiking to his girlfriends house when a superbike pulls up.

Of course he had no helmet,but was wearing a baseball cap as they do.The biker suggested he turn it back to front to stop it blowing off.

After a few miles at the roundabout he realised his pillion had come off,so went back to find him in the middle of the road with some good samaratins giving some attention.

He was shouting and howling and crying for his mum.Enquiring as to the young gentlemans injuries,was told "he was sniffling a lot when first came across him,but realy started moaning when we turned his head the right way round"