Jokes???

[nepia]

The police knocked on my door the other night. They had a picture of my wife.

'Is this your wife sir?'

Shocked I said 'yes'.

'I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident'.

So I replied 'yes, I know, but she's got a lovely personality'.

[PeteB]

Was in McDonalds the other night, had to sit down whilst the food was cooked. The fat waitress came over with the food and said "sorry about the wait", I replied "no worries Fatso, you could soon work that off!"

[ad15]

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

 

 

Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up !.

 

 

Paddy shouting frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her

contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

 

 

Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to

avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "for god sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"

 

 

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

[ad15]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

 

An atheist was walking through the woods.

 

'What majestic trees!'

'What powerful rivers!'

'What beautiful animals!'

He said to himself.

 

 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

 

 

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

 

 

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

 

 

He tripped & fell on the ground.

 

 

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

 

 

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:

'Oh my God!'

 

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

 

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

 

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

 

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

 

 

'Very well', said the voice.

 

 

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

 

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[Dave Martin]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

 

The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

 

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

 

 

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[Tommy_B]

A Dyslexic, overweight kid goes with his mum to a Service station, and declares at the top of his voice that he wants a McDonalds.

 

His Mum is so embarrassed that she says "If you can spell it, you can have one"

 

The little kid thinks about it for a minute and says "In that case, I think I'd rather have a KCF"

[Big 'Ammer]

News just in!

 

A man has been found battered to death in Glasgow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bloody Jocks will deep fry anything!

[treequip]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

 

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car parts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, i have not ordered this.

 

Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says 'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[ad15]

Police in Newcastle just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2,000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,

10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin $50 million in forged Euro banknotes and 25 trafficked Thai prostitutes

all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Byker. Local residents were stunned.

 

 

 

 

A community elder said,

 

 

 

 

 

"Wa shocked man. Wi didn't knaa wi had a library!! Laughing Laughing

[Mark J]

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all

he visits a Cornish farmer.

 

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

 

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie

boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

 

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the

Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

 

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"

 

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie

boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

 

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do

it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets

a farmer from Abergaveny.

 

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the

hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the

front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

 

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them

over a wall like everyone else?"

 

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"