Jokes???

[Pete Mctree]

46 minutes ago, westphalian said:

Hang on a bleeding minute! You cannot be serious? Until Corbyn I was Lifelong Labour, but the man is nothing but a contrarian and, like the Greens or LibDems (my new party), just comes up with unfunded ideas. I have no doubt the country would go down the tubes if that IRA apologist got in

If you feel like that then you have probably been voting for the wrong party. Your going to tell me that Tony Blair was a real representation of the party next! 

And if you mean by  IRA apologist (sourced from the Daily Fail no doubt)a dislike for any individual that entered into a dialogue that tried to end a war. Fair enough. 

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

9 hours ago, Rough Hewn said:

I know very little about Corbyn.

Me neither, but what I do know (or perceive) I don't like
However I have a great respect for the man because of who his enemies are.

I think I understand your point, but surly that's a flawed (maybe even dangerous) mantra - for example, Corbyn clearly despises Israel, the Iranian (terrorist) theocracy hates Israel, so you must 'like' Iran?  As a method of establishing allies, it has some major flaws!   
Every rich Cnut and their cronies have tried to take him down for years.

I'm not rich (often thought to be bit of a cnut though ?)
Can't see any other politician outside the greens who actually want to help the working poor.

Just shooting off the top of my head - tax free allowance raised under Tories, Minimum / Living wage under Tories, employment levels and interest rates under Tories.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't vote Tory as first choice but I'd vote Tory before Labour any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
Can't really see T May making an effort.

See above.
And I do agree with some sentiments you make Kevin.

We've all got much in common.
It's just as Plato said in the republic,
It doesn't matter whether you live in a tyranny, a dictatorship or a liberal democracy. All society's are run by the ruling classes for the ruling classes.

And the trouble with Corbyn (IMHO) is that he will be just like all of the others you mention - he will represent those interests that he is passionate about - it just happens that I can't reconcile to much that he obviously holds so dear, and deep down, I believe  there are a large proportion of what we might think of as 'working poor' that can't either.  Had Labour put Alan Johnson forward at the last leadership round, I think we'd have a Labour government right now.
And you claim to have been knighted by the queen for services to the "empire".

No I don't - but, obviously I should be - for services to the human race!  I'm invested as an Ordinary Member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire and it was HRH Prince Charles on behalf of HM the Queen.  The choice of 'username' is often something done in haste and regretted at leisure.  In my case, it seems to attract some adverse attention at times which is perhaps a little hypocritical since had I used 'gingerkevinjohnson', kevinthepaki', 'fatboykev', Kevinthewheelchair or any number of other similar combinations, I rather hope posts, comments, replies etc would focus more upon the content rather than the fact I might smell of piss & cabbage, eat curry, waddle, and use a blue badge.     



I am however in total agreement about Diane Abbott.

Back to the beginning - if you 'like' Corbyn because of those that dislike him, you must also 'like' those that like him....  If for no other reason that he is so loyal to Dianne Abboot I simply cannot embrace a man that has, and continues to embrace her.  

I'll take the common ground as a positive ??

[Rich Rule]

I thought this was meant to be the Jokes thread.

 

As much as I feel most politicians are a f’in joke, can we not go there in this thread please?

 

 

[Rough Hewn]

[emoji106][emoji106][emoji106]

[Rough Hewn]

My favourite scouser joke:

As julius caesers armies swept across Britain destroying tribe after tribe...
They came upon a northern area called toxtethiam.
Where there was a great cave.
The general sent in two soldiers to search the gloomy cavern.
After a few minutes blood curdling cries were heard, then silence.
The general sent in ten men.
Minutes later the anguished screams of the legionnaires fell silent.
A little taken back the general ordered his best centurion with one hundred of romes finest warriors to storm the cave.
The men marched into the darkness.
Again the sound of frantic violent deaths rang out.
Then a blood soaked legionnaire, mortally wounded emerged from the cave...
With his dying breath he whispered to the general...




It's a trap...













There's two of them.




[emoji106][emoji106][emoji106]

[eggsarascal]

Book a table for the new woman and myself, what with it being Valentine's Day, really enjoyed it.

 

Not so sure she did.

 

I didn't realise women don't like snooker.

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[eggsarascal]

5 minutes ago, kevinjohnsonmbe said:

I recognise the bloke on the right.

[devon TWiG]

Apparently birthdays are good for your health ......... a leading group of scientists have gathered statistics to prove that those who have the most birthdays live longer !

[eggsarascal]

Our American Royal Household reporter has advised us of the following:

(Will Canada, Cyprus, Ireland & Israel follow?)



Due to American incompetence at self-governance, the Queen has retaken America, for its own good.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your continuing failure to sensibly manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). 

Your new Prime Minister, Teresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 
------------------------ 
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' 
------------------- 
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 
----------------- 
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not able to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 
---------------------- 
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 
---------------------- 
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 
-------------------- 
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 
------------------- 
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 
------------------- 
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 
--------------------- 
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 
--------------------- 
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one is called "soccer" and the other "rugby" (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 
--------------------- 
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 
-------------------- 
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 
----------------- 
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 
--------------- 
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen! 



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
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