Jokes???

[Gray git]

Now if only Disney could make that a feature length the world would be a better place ;-)

 

sent while pretending to do something important on my mobile.

[PeteB]

Went to get a big tattoo of an Indian on my back last week, always wanted one.

 

Halfway through, I said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand".

 

The tattooist said, "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban"

[PeteB]

I went to the Doctors to talk about my weight problem, I thought he said to me

"Take more exercise and don't eat anything fatty"

So I said to him "do you mean stuff like pies and chips. And stuff like that?"

And he said

"No, I mean don't eat anything", "FATTY!"

[PeteB]

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

 

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

 

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

 

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

 

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

 

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

 

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

 

Sincerely,

 

Crock O. Schitt

[Stubby]

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

 

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

 

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

 

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

 

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

 

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

 

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

 

Sincerely,

 

Crock O. Schitt

 

Priceless !

[SamWhiting12]

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the pavement with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real when you're pissed!."

Edited July 20, 2014 by Stephen Blair

[arbogrunt]

whilst waiting for the Liverpool ferry, a woman slips over and knocks herself out on a bollard. Her Husband, in a panic shouts to the queue..'is there a Doctor here?!'...a man steps forward, lifts the womans skirt and slaps her arse then examines the bollard 'nah, no damage done here Lar'. The Husband says 'what kind of Doctor ARE you?'...and the fella says, 'Oh sorry, thought you said 'Docker' mate!'

[arbogrunt]

Eskimo on holiday in wales.

Car breaks down, welshman looks under bonnet, says

"you've blown a seal",

eskimo says " so what, you sh#g sheep !"

[geoff]

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

 

 

 

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

[Bob Slade]

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, "Are all those kids yours?"

He replied, "No I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints".