David Cropper

No French celebrations, lockdown. I would rather Mr Dempsey concentrated his sordid fantasies on Dame Vera than on his previous squeeze, Wee Krankie at Holyrood.

Dumkopf!

Nice, Mr Stubbs, nice. My sentiments exactly.

That's because you are a peasant. Anyway, you're always going on about your Germanic breeding, the Hun has a glorious history of eating horses! Breeding will out my boy, I expect you were reaching for the humane killer as you were letching at the tarts. Can't trust the Bosch around horseflesh and womenfolk. Control yourself, Sir.

I planted 3 rows of Clairettes, red spuds of Brittany, 6 weeks today, noticed this morning that more than half have flower buds already. Hottish weather, 23 degrees today, with quite a bit of rain recently, has moved everything on so fast. Weeds as well! I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I'd stopped using weedkiller spray and have opted for a flame wand. I took 5 hours in total doing my gravel driveway, used a complete 13kg gasbottle, not a weed to be seen. Next day pissed it down. Day after weeds coming through again. Sod it! Next move is vinegar, salt and fairy liquid mixture. See if that works.

Pity you didn't knock a couple of them out of the saddle, so arrogant. This Monday is the start of the rules being relaxed in France, I suspect that there will be hoards of the twats on the roads now.

Good gracious me, what a turnaround! One minute you're apologising to one of the Viet Taff, then changed into a sex fiend advocating smashing one off over Dame Vera! Wonder what the Kremlin will make of that, Comrade.

For the love of Christ! What's the matter with you Dempsey? Apologies?

Hoopoe just landed in the garden, crap photo taken on my phone.

Don't tell him Pike!

Mick, it's like farting against thunder trying to stop this crap.

You must be a masochist putting this on here! They'll be on you like sharks on chum! I shall now sit back and watch the attack begin.

Oi! That's the bloke I've voted for! Bleeding liberals!

Matty. I managed nearly 3000 acres at Lulworth firing range and slightly less at Bovington Training area in Dorset as an Army deer manager. We reckoned we had at a conservative estimate at Lulworth 400 deer , mainly sika, quite a few roe as well, no fallow or muntjac. You need to take out 25% every year. You need to get a fairly accurate count of how many you have if possible. You want to take twice as many females as males, unfortunately you have half as much daylight hours to achieve that. You have to be ruthless with the females. Take the ones without kids upto Christnmas, then after take any female you can, if possible slotting the kids first. They will normally survive without mum, but it's preferable. Also we looked to see what the unborn sex was, a grisly thing, but it will give you an idea of ratio, male to female. Twins are the norm with triplets not unusual, but singletons are. Remember also that roe tend to stick to their own area, sika will be in the same location for say six days, then the seventh disappeared. Try to cull out as many as possible yearling bucks if you're experiencing damage. If you have a few mature ones, select the older who may be getting past their best. Try not to leave a vacuum which will be filled by youngsters vying for territory. I went beagling at Kielder Forest area 1977, stayed at Otterburn Camp whilst hounds were kept at Bellingham, so know your problems up there. To control the deer population, the Forestry Commission would have installed rides, one for fire control and the other for effective deer management using high seats. That was problem in Kintyre in Argyll when no rides where installed late 60s I think. You ended up with red breeding with sika causing all sorts of problems. One method we us3d on the Army ranges was to get a few people upwind of where you know there are roe, get them to push through making normal amount of noise, talking etc, as though they are forestry workers. You don't want them acting like beaters, just enough to get the beasts moving nice and gently onwards, you would then have a rifle downwind waiting for the roe to appear. Be aware, one minute nothing then the next he'll step out, not a care in the World. As always, safety is paramount, maintain your safe arcs of fire, go over the plan and walk the area with your "beaters" beforehand so everyone is upto date and knows exactly where everyone else is at all times. The rifle will obviously only take a shot when he has a safe backdrop in case the round goes astray. If in doubt, don't take the shot. Let everyone know when the drive is complete, use comms or even a whistle.This is a good way to select your beast but you want to do your homework well beforehand. You can of course dry to drive them out of the fenced areas then repair, but a roe will leap a 6 or 7 foot fence from a standing start and if he wants to return, he will. I would try both ways, cull a few, move them out as well, if it's practical time wise. They will soon get the idea that they're not welcome but you will have to put the hours in. Hope I haven't rambled on too much, but I enjoyed my time in deer management. What I did forget to say, when taking the shot, if the beast isn't quite broadside on to you, you can, if he's not aware you are there, is to give a low, brief whistle, he will move slightly to see what's going on. Make sure that you are in the aim when you do it. Alternately, invest in a roe call. As well as bringing the does in, you can bring in a buck, during the rut, who's following a doe. It's an art form if done correctly and highly enjoyable, even if you don't get a shot, your out and learning every time. Christ, I need a lie down now!

Deer

If its on the edge of a ride I would suggest roebuck. They tend to use our bounderies, i.e. roads, rides etc as their boundaries. General rule of thumb is smaller in width the sapling, the smaller and younger the buck. That's why you try and leave the dominant buck in place when managing the roe population. If you take the mature beast out, then his place will try to be filled with all the young ones, who then thrash to mark the empty territory. Good management is everything. Only take the old boy when he's past it and you can allow a new dominant male to replace him.

I thought it was all the Celts who called swede a turnip and vice versa. My wife, from Cambeltown in Argyll, always says turnip when I say swede. Strange people the Celts.

I don't mind you being "full of shit" as you so eloquently put it. It's the kind of shit I can't stand.

And you Sir, should have been a Politician.

Long winded, self important twat.

Sorry Pops.