David Cropper

Nobody values my opinion Andy, don't whine. You had a sense of humour failure?

She's got a good sense of humour, Eggs. When she was being loaded into the ambulance, I nearly shouted out, " Who's going to make my tea?" But what little sense I actually have kicked in. I told her this when she came home and she did laugh.

A lot better, thanks Gary. She has good periods then gets very tired, still has leg pains, but is nearly back to normal. I wish she'd hurry up, I've had enough of hoovering, dusting, changing bedding etc! Never realised how much work birds actually do!

Bored? I've had three twatting weeks of this! Not been out of my gates, run out of gardening jobs now. Took my wife into the garden yesterday, first time out of doors since she got the plague, she nearly fainted when she saw how much of the lawn I'd turned over to extend the veg plot. " What have you done? I leave you alone for a while and look at it." Back indoors shaking her head. Bugger!

This thread is getting to be like Grindr. Brown hatters crawling out of every corner, where's our resident expert on "Male bonding" Mr Johnson RN retd? Trigger Andy is almost purring, what's going on? Get a grip, you tarts, start slagging each other off. I don't look at this forum to witness a Love Fest.

That is your purpose by being on this forum, you need to shoulder any blame whether you are involved in the discussion or not. Man up and take it on the chin. I'm trying to find an excuse to blame you for my wife catching the plague. You're both Jockenese, that's the only link I can come up with. That'll do for now.

I saw pure stupidity yesterday. My French friend who's a gardener, was working at the holiday home opposite my house, he saw me at my van, which is in my enclosed garden, gates locked, wandered up to talk. I told him not to come close as my wife is still recovering from the virus, he jumped back with a look of horror on his face. I explained that we have to be totally isolated for 14 days after she was taken to hospital, can't go out for shopping or a walk around for exercise. We then discussed what a terrible thing it is. He turned round, walked across to two builders' vans working opposite, one van had one bloke in it, the other had two , and started to have a conversation with them, almost shoulder to shoulder. I could not believe it, he is a young man with a wife and two small children, putting all his family at risk. I am allowed out for shopping this Monday and to go to the workshop who does my grinder repairs. If anyone comes within the 2 metre zone I shall announce in a loud voice that I am recovering from the plague. That should stop them. Unfortunately the French love to congregate and natter, I can't see this changing much.

Very good, Mr Johnson. You lisped and minced your way through that in fine form.

I was working for a woman who's husband hadn't been dead long. She asked me to get a a heavy bit of kit out of one of the outbuildings, off I toddled, opened the door to find a coffin leaning against the wall. I nearly had a heart attack! The old French chap who she looked after next door, had been a cabinet maker and had been the village coffin maker. He had one in his shed for himself and had given my customer the other for when she went. I obviously assumed it contained her recently departed husband. It was an absolutely beautiful bit of oak, but unfortunately oak coffins aren't allowed to be burnt in the Crematoriums out here as they take so long to burn. Thank God for stout underwear. As an aside, when this woman and husband had initially contacted me, I turned up to find that they had been the licensees of one of my local pubs in Dorset that I occasionally visited. Small world out here.

Ex squaddy, enough said.

Time for you to go home, young man, to the wife!

Sorry mate! Thought it was you!

Nice arse!

Don't think so, I thought they were similar to our cockers. As a matter of interest, two years ago I went to give a quote for stump grinding, to a woman down near Mick Dempsey's place. Knocked on the door and this woman answered with a couple of clumbers. Hadn't seen one for over 40 years. Im pretty sure they're classed as endangered. Cracking little dogs. They were breeding and using them on Saddleworth moor in the grouse season. Her husband was in Manchester working but liked the odd day on the Moor. A bit up herself to be honest and seemed a bit of a bull shitter. I'm sure that Mick had given her a quote for 27 big pines to be dropped. She had a live in Romanian lad who did all sorts of jobs for her. He did the trees. I didn't get the job either!

I stand corrected. I bet you loved that!

American cocker, Mr Twat.

A bowel back? Don't answer that please. My mind is boggling.

You've admitted you're, in your words, "Shite at the guitar." Mandolin? Leave well alone, it'll only end in tears again. You ain't Captain Coreli.

That's an uplifting tale Wayne, need something to lighten the present mood. He's looking good mate.

You're not moving them into the front room as well are you Saul?