the village idiot

Where are you based?

You leave Noah out of this!

Do you always have to be so vague John?

Hi Dean, I would love one of those! Can you tell us some more about it? Top speed, costs etc.

My new firewood delivery truck seems to attract a lot of attention.

Nice one! Do you think you'll need any from me this winter?

Great to hear you found a job Ben:thumbup: What are you going to be doing?

I wasn't using mine commercially but it was cheap compared to some of the high end ones. There's a lesson for me in there somewhere!

Without wanting to put a downer on things, I bought a Viking mulching mower, the one with the single central front wheel for tight turning. After the first use the plastic covers on all wheels had disintegrated and after the third use the main drive spindle shattered. I can only assume that the top of the range professional Vikings are a lot more robust.

Thanks Alec, that's jolly decent of you. I'll let you know when I've got some logs to pull out. Any news on the research project? PM me if you'd prefer.

I've seen those in Greens (Hadleigh) and wondered if they might be a good investment. Looking forward to your next video Steve. Let's hope there's no slugs crossing the drop zone!

Have just been marking up a woodland compartment for thinnning in Suffolk. It is very Ash heavy and I would estimate that at least 70% of the Ash trees are showing distinct signs of dieback.

That's the spot!

Mrs Idiot and I stopped off at Symonds Yat during our tandem tour of Herefordshire, lovely spot! You can sometimes see Peregrin Falcons nesting from the viewpoint at the top.

Oh heck!

Epilogue: Over the hills and far away, In a glade, two badgers lay. And now the battle had been won, In a puff of smoke the two made one.

Chapter 15: The Final Battle. The floor was made of shiny slate, Across it did our hero's scate. The sturdy wooden exit door Could not withstand the sliding four! The escapees stood up outside, The binding rope was soon untied. Spratt piped up with undue guilding, "The Captain has now left the building!" From his pocket he did swipe A wooden home-made smoking pipe. The idiot thought the coiling smoke Carried a bit of extra poke! "Captain Spratt, I sincerely hope, You're not still on that grade A dope?" "I am" said Spratt, his face a frown, "But truly I am cutting down!" "Since the episode at sea, I've cut my daily smokes to three. Things get weird in quite some fashion, If I now exceed my ration!" The fresh footsteps within the snow Showed the party where to go. Within a copse, enclosed by ditch, They caught up with the wicked Witch! Before they could get very near, Gerty turned, her face a sneer. "I see you have escaped my trap, Aren't you such a clever chap?" "But do you think you mercenaries Can bring a Witch unto her knees? A knackered Horse, a smelly Frog, A simpleton and a stoned sea dog?" "Forgive me if I don't appear To quiver with relentless fear. I've encountered much more dangerous foes Whilst cleaning out between my toes!" With that, she raised a crooked hand, And cast a spell towards the band! The cloud of dark malevolent spell, Upon the idiot quickly fell! Captain Spratt, without a gripe, Sucked the cloud into his pipe. "By jove that carries quite a hit, That Witch has got some heavy ****!" He calmly exhaled through his nose, The grin upon his lips then froze. The Witch had raised her magic stick, To cast another evil trick! Said Spratt, "I canna' take no more," And slowly crumpled to the floor. The mist he had enhaled was mighty, Causing Spratt to pull a whitey! Just before spell number two Above their heads an aircraft flew! The Witch looked up and began to stumble, "Oh God no It's Mrs Crumble!" The cheery baker swooped in low, And dealt the Witch a hefty blow. A loaf of stale banana bread Dropped straight onto Gerty's head! The impact from the bomb of wheat Knocked the Witch from off her feet. Said Idiot, "Now there's a thing!" And drew his bow with Rat-gut string! The crossbow fired with mighty twang, A bolt of wood through ether sang, And buried deep into the knee Of their arch adversary! The Witch bent to attend her knee, And cackled loud "That don't hurt me! A spear of finest Oak It'll take To kill me off, and no mistake!" The idiot now was in the lurch, As all his bolts were made of Birch! "What I need to end this circus Is a stick of genus Quercus!" The idiot was now all but beaten, But in a flash his mood did sweeten, For out of the forest, axe on back, Strode his good friend Lumber Jack! "Fear not my friend, as for your sake, A crossbow bolt of Oak I'll make! It really won't take me a tick, To whittle you a pointed stick!" "You've no chance mate" the Witch she goaded, As the brand new bolt was loaded "I've experienced your aim before, You couldn't hit a big barn door!" Said Dog Food, "She's quite right you know, Why not let me have a go? I may be blind and cannot see, But I stand a better chance than thee!" The idiot thought the notion sound, And turned his friend the right way round! Dog food rested on one knee And let the Oaken arrow free! The Witch's face was then all smiles, Dog Food's shot had missed by miles! The friends all watched most desperately As arrow pinged from tree to tree! From rock to stone the arrow flew, Before it's lengthy flight was through. But instead of going to the ground, A path toward the Frog it found! The Windy Frog, consumed by fright, Released a gust of awesome might, Diverting Dog Food's errant dart, Into the evil Witch's heart! The assembled throng cheered in delight, The wicked Witch had lost the fight. Defeated by a wayward dart Guided by a froggy fart! The idiot, although strong and brave, Knew that he'd have found the grave, If not for help from every friend, Met on his journey, now at end. As the final page has turned, I hope the moral has been learned. 'Love all life forms, treat them kind, For one day they'll save your behind!' The End.

A quickie from the train. Chapter 14: Misconceptions. Dog Food who felt not in clover, Sighed and said "Our quest is over! See the rope and understand, Our life does hang by just one strand!" Said Captain Spratt, "Do fear ye not, A hand free of this rope I've got!" The Idiot smiled, a happy man, For he had hatched a cunning plan! "I've had a thought, and please don't knock it, Thrust your free hand down my pocket! Rummage well within these zones, Until you find my precious stones!" Spratt exclaimed "Ooh Err, I say! I'd no idea you felt this way. Maybe when all this is done, We could meet up and have some fun?" "Leave alone my two cocoons! I speak of my old ancient runes! Quickly now, do find for me, The one marked serendipity!" Spratt explored the pocket deep. "I've found the stone of which you speak!" Said Idiot, "That rune you handle, Huss it at that bloody candle!" The Captain aimed the stone with care, And launched it up into the air. And would you know? Through mystic luck, The candle with the rune was struck! The direct hit was cheered by all, But now they had to clear the pool! "Windy Frog, can you now bring, Some turbulence so we can swing?" The Frog was pleased to play his part, And conjured up a timely fart. The gust of pure intense revulsion Bestowed upon them fair propulsion! It took the Frog a blast or two, With luckily no follow through! Before the rope could take no more, And dumped them on the cold stone floor. To be continued...

Country Care out Woodbridge way also hire out a processor I think.

Thanks guys:thumbup: Your kind words are payment enough.

Chapter 13: Unlucky for some. They awoke to find a scene of gloom, They hung suspended in a room! The rope went up and through a pulley, Then to the wall, secured most fully. They noted too, and what a swine, A candle burning through the twine! Below their feet they both did clock, A broiling pool of molten rock! But probably the most surprising, Tied to them, with no disguising Were Captain Spratt and Windy Frog, Fresh from sea and bubbling bog! Across the way the Witch did stand, A pistol raised in gnarly hand. "I hope you like my trap, you see I nicked it from Dick Darstedly!" With these words she turned to leave, "My friends I really do believe, It's time to do my plan since birth, To wipe mankind from off the Earth!" With that she left through yonder door, Without a care for the stricken four. The rope had nearly burnt right through! What was our trussed up friends to do? The Idiot turned his head and said, "Captain I thought that you were dead! Said Spratt, "At length I shall report" "No you don't, just keep it short!" The Captain sighed, "When last we met, I ended up with getting wet. Near death was I and getting groggy, When drifted by this buoyant froggy!" "I clung to him in grim despair And hoped he would retain his air! We drifted on the ocean blue, I was sure as eggs that we were through!" "After a while we came ashore, And standing there the Witch we saw! She hit us both upon the head And brought us to this room of dread!" To be continued... But not tomorrow as I am going to Londinium to get my fix of seriously loud Doom Metal!

He doesn't look very realistic to me!

Thanks Felix. Makes you wonder why people bother posting total nonsense about badgers and stuff on a tree forum!

Come again?

Chapter 12: Woodland Management. The Idiot gained his feet again, And rubbed his back to ease the pain. "Gosh!" he said, "It would not be wrong, To say this work has made you strong!" "To tell the truth" said Lumber Jack, All this lifting hurts me back! Moving logs like this is folly, I wish I had an ArborTrolley!" Dog Food addressed the burly man. "I trust you have a management plan? I sincerely do so hope indeed, These trees are falling not for greed?" Said Lumber Jack, "For Goodness sake! No penny profit do I make. I sell the logs to any buyer To fund the house coal for my fire!" Dog Food sat and scratched his head. "Why not burn the logs instead?" Said Jack, with deep voice loud and clear, "What a simply swell idea!" "How can I pay compensation For giving me this revelation?" Dog Food said, with patience spent, "Just tell us where old Gerty went?" The Woodman's face went very grey. "Just yesterday she came this way, And tried her best to make me dead, By bashing me about the head!" Dog Food's face turned deathly pale. "How do you live to tell this tale?" Jack looked down most sheepishly. "I ran and hid behind a tree!" Jack could help the two no more, So Dog Food sniffed the forest floor. After a mile, the smell it grew. That's when Dog Food found the shoe! Sometimes life can be a bitch, The shoe contained the evil Witch! She floored them both with twisted staff! Cue the drawn out evil laugh! To be continued...