Jokes???

[Jason James Gairn]

Not a joke as such, but this made me blow chunks.

[penfold]

almost like the sign at a hospital: For family planning, please use rear entrance.

[Jason James Gairn]

on almond slices...may contain nuts

[Big 'Ammer]

On a tube of salt granules...

 

Blah, blah, ...this salt has been formed in the mountains of ... blah, blah, blah, millions of years, blah blah,.... under tremedous pressures... blah, blah...

 

Best Before: April 2009

 

Thank God! They mined in just in time!

[samwise]

How can you tell when you're at a gay bbq?

All the hotdogs taste like poo.

[coolie]

rabbit was hopping along the forest path when he saw bear who was squatting down having a crap,rabbit asked "do you mind if I join you","be a pleasure" said bear.rabbit was thinking' Im usually scared of bear but this is nice.bear finished and stood up but was looking very concerned,he asked"rabbit, do you have problems with the crap sticking to your fur"."cant say I do" said rabbit.so bear picked him up and wiped his arse with him.

[tommer9]

My missus told me she needed a rape alarm. So this morning at 5.30 i tied her up, took her violently from behind and whispered in her ear "time to get up now bitch".

[PeteB]

The sex with the missus has been boring of late so she went and purchased a dildo. She tells me it's shaped like a carrot. How ironic, her fanny looks a Donkey yawning!

[PeteB]

I feel bloody rough, I reckon I've got swine fever as I keep coming out in rashers!

[tommer9]

Bloke has got a fixings and fastenings company called Bates's nails. Hes doing pretty well- ads in the local paper and on the radio- really giving B&Q a run for their money. So he decides to put an ad on ITV. He rings them up, and explains his company. "leave it all to us sir" says the helpful advertising man from ITV. "Your first ad will be shown four weeks from now in the first ad break of "The Bill". Great says the man.

 

Four weeks later there he is watching the Bill expectantly. First advert break, up comes a picture of Jesus on the cross, and then a close up of the heads of the nails which display the legend "Bates' Nails" and two soldiers stood next to the cross. One says to the other "those Bates nails are good eh mate?" Then the guys mobile rings with the first irate viewer- "you cant use the image of christ's cucifiction for financial gain." blah blah blah. He gets to work in the morning- fax full of the same, e-mails to boot. So he rings up ITV. " I thought the ad was ok but I'm losing custom, ypou have to pull it!" "Dont worry sir, we DID think it was a bit risky, but thought we would run it anyway. Give us a fortnight, we'll pull this ad now, and get another sorted f.o.c" "Thanks" says the man, "just pull it straight away"

 

Two weeks later, first ad break in the bill, a somewhat nervous Mr Bates is anticipating his re-vamped ad...... Up comes the adfs, starting with an image of Jesus going hell for leather across the desert with two Roman soldiers flat out in pirsuit, one shouting to the other "I told you we should have used those 'Bates' nails!!!