Jokes???

[born2trot]

Wife and I POL !!

[WoodED]

just saw this one on facebook

 

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE and his wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed even after he explained that it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK and iCLEAN network. This triggered the iNAG service, which

totally wiped out the iSHAG function.

[Martyn Amos]

went to the docs the other day!

i said to him doc,every time i sneeze i get an erection,he said are you taking anything for it?i said yes PEPPER. :lol:

[nepia]

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for shagging a giraffe. Apparently the other six put him up to it.

[Tyz05]

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a massey ferguson 135..Mick says 'Bloody hell Paddy, what ya doing'. Paddy says, well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attractor.

[treequip]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

 

The man's curiosity got the better of him, he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

 

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 

"My wife's."

 

''What happened to her?"

 

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

 

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

 

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

 

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

 

"Can I borrow the dog?"

 

 

The man replied, "Get in line."

[treequip]

A rugby league fan is drinking in a London bar, when he gets a call on his mobile

 

 

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

 

 

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, that's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy.

 

Gonna be a rugby league player.'Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!'

 

 

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

 

 

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

 

 

The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

 

 

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

 

 

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised...'

[treequip]

A neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner, talk about Dyson with death.

 

 

 

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

 

 

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

 

 

 

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

 

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

 

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

 

 

 

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

 

 

 

 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?

 

 

 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

 

 

 

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

 

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

 

Just got back from A & E. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[PeteB]

Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab,

[Big J]

They say that when a man and a woman have been a couple for long enough, they finish each other's sentences......like Rosemary West.