Jokes???

[PeteB]

Guy comes home from work and says to his wife "get me a beer before it starts".... so she gets him a beer.

 

He drinks it and says to her "quick, get me another beer before it starts"....... so she gets him another one.

 

He drinks that one and says "get me one more before it starts".........

 

Wife says "listen here you fat lazy prat, you walk in here and start barking your orders and......"

 

Guy says "Bugger me its started.........."

[Mark J]

There's this big 7 foot tall - built like a barn door bloke sitting in the bar on the docks in birkenhead, necking pint after pint. A while later a very effeminate guy comes in and sits on the stool next to him. After a few more pints he leans across to the massive scouser and says 'here mate, fancy a job?' At which point, the scouser wheels around with fire in his eyes, kick's the other guy off his stool, drags him into the car park and leathers him. He goes back into the bar, sit's back on his stool and gets back into drinking. After a while the barman says 'ere mate, I've seen you in here before and you've never said boo to a mouse, what did he say to you?' And the guy replies 'dunno mate, something about a job.'

Edited November 26, 2011 by Stephen Blair

[oldwoodcutter]

Irish working mens club went on a mystery tour,they had a sweepstake to guess where they were going.

The driver won £68.

[Mark J]

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

 

"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.

 

"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

 

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

[PeteB]

I was sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the wife said to me, "Please don't do that to the dogs...

[Mark James]

I was sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the wife said to me, "Please don't do that to the dogs...

 

Good one

 

 

Sent from my aye phone using Tapatalk

[Sam Thompson]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

...

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

 

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

 

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

 

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

 

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

 

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[RobRainford]

I'm starting to be careful about drink driving, now Christmas isn't far away.

 

In fact last night I left my car at the pub and took the bus home.

 

I'm quite proud of myself.

 

I'd never driven a bus before.

[Stephen Blair]

A hat trick of funnies lol

[slasherscot]

Worst joke of the year

 

An american walks into the Glasgow museum.......he asks the attendant how old is that Dinosaur.........400 million years and 9 months...wow how can u be so accurate. Well says the attendant, it was 400 million years old when i started here 9 months ago