Jokes???

[huskykev]

[roboted]

[huskykev]

13 minutes ago, roboted said:

I’m stealing that, it’s brilliant!! ??

[Ratman]

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

[difflock]

On 15/02/2020 at 08:04, Logdaft said:

Lord God! Somebody else noticed!

[difflock]

53 minutes ago, Ratman said:

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Not an honary mention for the humble stump grinder AKA the very expensive to repair fiber optic cable finder/gas main detector etc etc

[Logdaft]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"

[Logdaft]

[Honda]

Mother decides to cook the family a special treat of deer meat for dinner, she tells her husband to see if the kids can guess what it is.

The family sit down to dinner and the husband says "Kids we have a special treat today, I won't tell you what the meat is your mother has cooked but I will give you a clue and say it’s what your mother calls me"

The son jumps back in horror and shouts to his sister "Don't eat it, it’s a knob".

[Kent Arboreal]

A lizard is walking through the jungle when he smells the unmistakable aroma of someone smoking weed. The lizard is partial to a spliff and hasn’t had one in ages so he goes off to find out who’s smoking. He soon finds a monkey sitting in a tree chonging on the fattest bifta he’d seen since university.

 

“Alright mate? Can I have a toke? I love a zoot.” The lizard asked.

 

“Of course you can bro.” Replied the monkey.

 

So the lizard climbed up and sat with the monkey, sharing a few joints of skunk and talking about how “it’s all connected, man”.

 

After about half an hour the lizard was pretty fucking high and had a serious case of dry mouth.

 

“My mouth’s so dry, man.” He said. “I need water. Where can I find water.”

 

“A couple of hundred yards over there is a river.” Replied the monkey, pointing into the jungle.

 

The lizard thanked the monkey for the weed then made off in the direction of the river. He got to the river and started lapping up the cool water, when suddenly a crocodile rose above the surface and snapped at him, trying to grab him in its jaws.

 

“Whoah!”, Shouted the lizard. “Don’t eat me man. I’ll give you anything you want.”

 

“I’m a hungry crocodile, all I want is to eat you, lizard.” Boomed the crocodile as he kept snapping at the lizard.

 

“Wait! Wait!” Cried the lizard. “Do you like smoking weed?”

 

The crocodile stopped and looked thoughtful.

 

“Actually I love a spliff, but I haven’t been able to score any in months. Why do you ask? Do you know where I can get some?”

 

“Yes.” Said the lizard. “If you go into the jungle, a couple of hundred yard in, there’s a monkey sitting in a tree smoking the best green you’ve ever had. He’s a bloody nice bloke, he’ll share a joint with you.”

 

The crocodile decided that actually he was going to let the lizard go this time as he really fancied a spliff, and walked off into the jungle. Soon enough he could smell weed, and looked up. In the tree above him was the monkey, as high as a kite, smoking another huge joint.

 

“Fuck me, lizard!”, Exclaimed the monkey, looking down. “How much water did you drink?”