Jokes???

[Gray git]

[Mark J]

Why were Dr Dre and Snoop Dog late for their flight?

They forgot Tupac.

[Mark J]

Tried calling the tinnitus helpline... No answer, just kept ringing

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque.

 

As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

 

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure.

 

Could you please show me your ID?"

 

Corbyn :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jeremy corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

 

Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

 

Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

 

Cashier: "I am sorry, mr corbyn, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

 

Corbyn,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

 

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

 

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.

 

So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

 

Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

 

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Corbyn. ?....

.....??

[Ratman]

[se7enthdevil]

always loved al murray.

 

 

[felixthelogchopper]

[felixthelogchopper]

An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample."

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, "Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, "You asked your neighbor???"

The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open."

[Paul Cleaver]

On 06/09/2019 at 08:37, se7enthdevil said:

always loved al murray.

 

 

Saw him live a couple of yrs ago, really funny. Not the sort of comedian you go to the toilet through his show

[Rich Rule]

One day in class the teacher walked to the black board and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding none that looked guilty, she quickly erased it and began her class.
The next day she entered the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher quickly erased it again and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, written larger than the previous day.
Finally, one day, she walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrawled in its place:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"