Jokes???

[Kyle Katarn]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo...

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] brilliant

[Mark J]

I named my horse 'Mayo'.

Mayo neighs.

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

A rabbit walks into a pub and  says to the barman, " Can I have  a pint of beer, and a Ham  and Cheese Toastie, please ? " 
    
The  barman is amazed, but gives  the rabbit a pint of beer and a  ham and cheese  toastie..                

 

The  rabbit drinks the beer and  eats the toastie. He then  leaves.

 

The following  night the rabbit returns and  again asks for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  The  barman, now intrigued by the rabbit  and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because  word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie.  

 

The rabbit  consumes them and leaves.
 
The next  night, the  pub is packed. 

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint  of beer and a Ham and Cheese  Toastie,  please  barman.'   

 

The crowd is hushed as the barman  gives the rabbit  his pint and toastie, and then burst into  applause as the  rabbit wolfs them down.

 

The next night there is  standing room only in the pub. 

 

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

 

The  barman is  making more money in one week than he did all last  year  

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and  a  Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please  barman. 

 

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out  of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'  

 

The  rabbit looks aghast. 

 

The crowd has  quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We  do have a very nice Cheese and Onion  Toastie.'

 

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will  like  it.'

 

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly  silent... 

 

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you  think that I would let down one of my best friends. I  know you'll  love  it.'

 

‘Ok,' says the rabbit,  'I'll have a pint of beer  and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'  

 

The pub erupts with  glee as the rabbit quaffs  the beer and guzzles the toastie.  

 

He  then waves  to the crowd and leaves....

 

NEVER TO   RETURN!!!!!!  

-----
One year later, in the now  impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4  drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls  time.

 

When  he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,  floating  above the bar.

 

The barman says, 'Who are you?', 

To which he is answered,   

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

 

The barman says, 'I remember you.   You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  Masses came to  see you and this place was famous.'The rabbit  says, 'Yes I know..'

 

The barman said, 'I  remember, on your last night we didn't have any  Ham and  Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one  instead.'

 

The rabbit said,  'Yes, you promised me that I  would love it..

 

The  barman said, 'You never came back,  what happened?'

 

'I DIED', said  the  rabbit.  

 

'NO!'  said  the barman. 'What from?'

 

After a short pause, the   rabbit said...

 

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

[Ratman]

[Ratman]

[Treerover]

That took me a while. My involuntary eye movements always go to the nipples. Normal physiological response apparently

That is just brilliant [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]?

[djbobbins]

Little Johnny is out for the day with his grandad and after a few hours, nature calls. They head to the gents and whilst standing by the urinal, little Johnny points at his cock and pipes up:

 

“Grandad, my Daddy has two of these!”

 

Grandad is a bit surprised and tells Johnny that “you must be wrong, no-one has got two willies.”

 

But little Johnny knows better and is not to be convinced:

 

“No grandad, Daddy has definitely got two. A little wrinkly one like mine and yours for doing a wee-wee with. And a big purple one for cleaning the au pair’s teeth!”

 

[Husqvarna King]

[Yournamehere]

Taxi

[eggsarascal]

29 minutes ago, Yournamehere said:

Taxi

Bolam and I had a night quite similar.

Edited February 3, 2019 by eggsarascal