Jokes???

[aspenarb]

@Rough Hewn was looking at some winter work advertised on Arbtalk. The Ad read  Forestry, months work for a cutter in Devon, log cabin supplied, immediate start. Rough thought that will do, it beats sleeping in the van so made contact, got the address and off he went. Drove for hours up hill and down dale and eventually with a mile still to go came to a deep running ford, he thought fuck driving through that so grabbed his kit and used the stepping stones to cross. After a long trudge up this muddy track he spotted a silver sprinter coupled to a trailer with a mini forwarder on it and thought  must be getting close now , right enough a few hundred yards further on was the log cabin. By now its getting dark so Rough who is covered in shite decided to take a shower, as he gets out of the shower there is a bang on the door so he throws a towel around his waist and answers it. Stood there is a bearded 6`8” tall  twenty stone monster of a bloke wearing a pink cod piece ,chequered shirt , cowboy hat and carrying a pack of beer. You fancy partying , drinking and fucking  he asked, Rough thought fuck it why not there is nothing else going on around here and agrees to go , Rough asked  how many going and where is it ? Big fella said just the two of us sweet cheeks right here and right now.

 

Bob

[TIMON]

[nepia]

A professor at University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

 

To get a feel for his audience he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

 

About 90 students raise their hands.

 

'Well that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

 

About 40 students raise their hands.

 

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

 

About 15 students raise their hand.

 

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

 

Three students raise their hands.

 

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further: have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

 

Way in the back Ahmed raises his hand.

 

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

 

Ahmed replies with a nod and a grin and makes his way up to the podium.

 

When he reaches the front of the room the professor asks, 'So Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

 

Ahmed replies, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said goats."

[eggsarascal]

[westphalian]

[eggsarascal]

[Rough Hewn]

Chelsea tractor drivers

[westphalian]

I was a confirmed atheist until I saw this image of Jesus

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[westphalian]

Oops sorry. Didn’t get the framing right

[Rough Hewn]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.