Jokes???

[chaffey]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to take a dump. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Ha ha ha how good is this one. I nearly spat my breakfast over the computer

[Big J]

@ Auntie Sharon joke - very good indeed!!

[toprotter]

Went to the doctors today and the Nurse told me to stop w@@@ing!!

I asked why ????

" CAUSE I'M TRYING TO EXAMINE YOU !"

[Big 'Ammer]

A dyslexic England supporter was finally released from jail in South Africa earlier today.

 

He'd been locked up for attempting to blow a 'Zulu's vulva'.

[samladd]

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

 

I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

[RobRainford]

If steven hawking falls ill, do we take him to A&E or PC World?

[arbogrunt]

2 great white sharks, father and son, are swimming in the ocean when they find a sinking ship. 'Right son, lets swim around the boat with just the tips of our fins showing a few times', they do this.

'Right son, now lets swim around the boat with all of our fins showing this time', this they do, then they swim in and eat all of the people.

After gorging on the survivors, the son says 'Dad, why did we swim round and round them with our fins out of the water, why not just eat them up right away?' and the father says 'Because son, they taste a whole lot better without the sh#t inside them'!!

[Sam Thompson]

*** MAN RULES ***

 

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

 

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

 

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

 

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

 

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

 

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

 

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

 

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

 

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

 

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

 

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

 

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

 

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

 

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

 

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

 

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

 

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

 

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

 

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

 

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

 

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

 

 

 

Sam

[PeteB]

This should have been a new thread!

[Sam Thompson]

This should have been a new thread!

 

Ahh maybe!