Jokes???

[gnfencer]

A couple in Australia are taking part in a competition to win a all expenses paid trip to the gold coast,

To win the prize they both have to give identical answers to three questions, the wife is at the radio station in a sound proof room.

So the husband is asked

" question. One, when is the last time you and your wife had sex?

" em, I was this morning"

 

Ok number 2, " how long did it last?"

" oh that was around an hour"

 

And finally, " where was It?"

" oh well that's a bit embarrassing, em her mother is staying with us just now, so I don't know if I can say"

You must answer all three to win.

" oh, ok well it was on the kitchen table"

So they get the wife out of the sound proof booth, and ask her the same question,

"Qustion one, it was this morning" well done that's what your husband said.

Question two , how long did it last" oh she says , ten minutes" well your man said an hour, but we'll take your answer as the right one and his as 10 mins"

So question 3,

Where was it, " oh I can't say, " well you have to , your husband answered" oh God, Alex, you didn't tell them did you"

To win you must say, the dj says,

" oh, well, ........... " up the arse!"

[Starscream]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

 

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

 

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

 

Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition.

 

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ?

 

Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

 

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

 

1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the

 

lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

 

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebdy aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want any weans raised as Celtic fans." Once again it was agreed.

 

4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You'll need to gie me another week to come up with the £500"

Oh ****!!! I'm dying over here you absolute joker!! Quality!

[Starscream]

Sheamus and Shaun were sitting looking at the view over the cliffs when paddy appeared. He was carrying a box and a shotgun heading for the edge of the cliff. Without skipping a beat he pulled a parrot from the box, threw it off the cliff and jumped off behind it. He turned mid-air and proceeded to blast the parrot with the shotgun. By this time Sheamus and Shaun were up and looking over the cliff to see paddy falling to his doom. They then rushed down the cliff to paddys aid... He was still alive! Although in a bad way. Sheamus and Shaun asked what he was playing at? Paddy turned his battered face to them and said "Boys, don't try that 'parrot shooting' it doesn't seem worth it"

[gnfencer]

Paddy and Murphy are rummaging through a skip when paddy finds a mirror, he looks at it and says,

Murph, I'm sure I know that person"

 

His friend grabs it off him and says

Paddy, you idiot of course you do, it's me"

[Gnome]

Fungi ident?

[sloth]

He he

[predator]

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorry's, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

[Mull]

the highways agency found over 200 dead crows on the m4 near bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was not avian flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorry's, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The agency then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The ornithological behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "cah", not a single one could shout "lorry"

 

 

😀😀😀😀😀

[dazmac]

A couple in Australia are taking part in a competition to win a all expenses paid trip to the gold coast,

To win the prize they both have to give identical answers to three questions, the wife is at the radio station in a sound proof room.

So the husband is asked

" question. One, when is the last time you and your wife had sex?

" em, I was this morning"

 

Ok number 2, " how long did it last?"

" oh that was around an hour"

 

And finally, " where was It?"

" oh well that's a bit embarrassing, em her mother is staying with us just now, so I don't know if I can say"

You must answer all three to win.

" oh, ok well it was on the kitchen table"

So they get the wife out of the sound proof booth, and ask her the same question,

"Qustion one, it was this morning" well done that's what your husband said.

Question two , how long did it last" oh she says , ten minutes" well your man said an hour, but we'll take your answer as the right one and his as 10 mins"

So question 3,

Where was it, " oh I can't say, " well you have to , your husband answered" oh God, Alex, you didn't tell them did you"

To win you must say, the dj says,

" oh, well, ........... " up the arse!"

 

The real thing on the American version of Mr and Mrs

 

[ame]

[/ame]

[geoff]

Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:

Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

 

Finally, the riddle is solved.

 

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.

 

When the bride, accompanied by her father,starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn.

 

Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, and hymn.

 

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn...

 

Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn.

 

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

 

"I'll alter him!"