Jokes???

[Stubby]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....

 

Stonking , Superb , Love it .....

[Rich2484]

A wife goes out for a night on the town with the girls, telling her husband she’ll be home around midnight.

 

Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home.

 

She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound. Knowing her husband will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she’s quite proud of herself for being so stealthy.

 

Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times signalling the late hour. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. She smiles to herself, proud that she’d come up with such a clever solution on the spot. He’d never know the difference!

 

That next morning during breakfast the husband looked at his wife, who was obviously hungover, and asked, “So… what time did you get in last night?”

 

“Oh, right around midnight, just like I said,” she replied. The husband didn’t seem disturbed at all. Her plan had worked!

 

“Well,” he said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.”

 

“Why do you say that?” she asked.

 

“Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘oh ****,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

[Rich2484]

one to lightnen up a rubbish morning

[Stephen Blair]

Ha ha ha ha!!

Just snorted while sitting in a cafe !

[nipski]

A man strolls into a pub with three stunning barmaids behind the ramp entertaining a bunch of lads. He see a sign behind the bar which reads:

Cheese sarnies £2.50

Chicken sarnies £4.00

Hand jobs £10.00

 

He rifles through his pockets as quick as he can to find some money and beckons the best looking girl over.

"Hellooooo" she says " how can I be of service?"

"Erm are you the one who does the hand jobs?" Says the chap.

" I most certainly am" she purrs

" good now go and wash your hands and make me a cheese sarnie please"!!!

[Rich2484]

rather apropriate :lol:

[Cov Climber]

What do you do if you see a spaceman...... park in it man

[mushroom]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[Big J]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

 

Bison

[slasherscot]

Two cows in a field. Which is going on holiday

 

The 1 with the wee calf:lol: