Jokes???

[Bob Slade]

THE THREE BEARS - the true story

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

 

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

 

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty... 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

 

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

 

'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

 

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

 

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

 

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

 

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

 

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

 

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants..

 

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

 

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

 

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-ar**ses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.....

 

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET

Edited July 31, 2013 by Stephen Blair

[Stubby]

THE THREE BEARS - the true story

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

 

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

 

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty... 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

 

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

 

'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

 

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

 

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

 

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

 

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

 

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

 

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants..

 

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

 

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

 

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-ar**ses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.....

 

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET

 

Thats a cracker !

[Rich2484]

:lol:

[jamesfwpurdy]

How does every ethnic joke start?

 

 

 

 

By looking over your shoulder...

[redmoosefaction]

West ham's new player!

 

The West Ham manager Sam Allardyce flies to Kabul to watch a young

Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the

player to come over.

 

 

 

Two weeks later West Ham are 2-0 down to

Manchester United with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the

young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

 

 

 

The lad is a

sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for the

Hammers. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are

delighted and the media love the new star.

 

 

 

When the player comes

off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in

English football.

 

'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20

minutes today, we were 2-0 down, but I scored 3. They call it a hat

trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the Press, they all

love me.'

 

 

 

 

 

'Just wonderful' says his Mum, 'Let me tell you about

my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were

ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped except for a passing

police

vehicle.

 

 

 

 

 

Your brother has joined a local gang of looters

and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were

having a great time!'

 

 

 

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say

Mum, but I'm really sorry'

 

 

 

'Sorry !!! Sorry !!!' says his Mum.

'It's your bloody fault that we came to West Ham in the first place'.

[redmoosefaction]

If a plant is sad do other plants photosympathize with it?

[Daniël Bos]

So the barman says: sorry, we don't serve anything faster than the speed if light!

 

 

 

A tachyon walks into a bar.

[Bob Slade]

A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[mendiplogs]

THE THREE BEARS - the true story

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

 

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

 

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty... 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

 

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

 

'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

 

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

 

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

 

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

 

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

 

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

 

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants..

 

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

 

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

 

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-ar**ses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.....

 

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET

Hi bob nice mate I like that a lot mate thanks Jon

[oldwoodcutter]

I think the worst job i ever had was when i worked in a shoe recycling factory.

It was soul destroying.