Jokes???

[caledonian bob]

My mate Paddy rang me & said he's just got a bargain coat from House of Fraser. Original price was £200 & he got it for £25. He said it is supposed to be slightly imperfect, but he's had a good look all over it & the only thing he can find is that one of the sleeves is slightly shorter than the other two !

[jackmayo]

I was raised as an only child. Which really annoyed my sister!

 

I was walk down the high street when I saw a poster in a shop that said "television for sale - 50p - volume stuck on full" And i thought, well i can't turn that down!

 

I farted in a lift. Which was wrong on so many levels!

 

I watched a show on discovery last night about how ships were put together: riveting!

 

Me and my wife sat down last night to watch 3 films back to back. Lucky I was the one facing forward!

 

http://www.conjunctivitis.com - now that's a site for sore eyes!

[Al Cormack]

The Barber’s Chair

 

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, “No thanks, my wife Cherie will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel”.

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, “How about you Mr Cameron?”

Cameron replied, “Go ahead – my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like”.

[Al Cormack]

Scotsman at the pearly gates

 

 

 

A Scotsman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular

merit?", Saint Peter asked.

 

"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.

 

"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow , I came upon a gang of

bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her

alone but they wouldn't listen.

 

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked

him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and

threw it on the ground.

 

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of

you!' "

 

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

 

 

 

 

"A couple of minutes ago."

[KnotSure]

I've decided to start watching what I eat.

 

So I'm off down the races

[oldwoodcutter]

Who was that transvestite, i saw you with last night?

 

That was no transvestite, that was my wife.

[PeteB]

CONDOM HISTORY :

 

Interesting piece of history!

 

In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

 

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

 

I hope you appreciate this historical update

[PeteB]

Apparently oscar pistorious wanted a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it........

[PeteB]

Caz and I 'had words' last night, - but I didn't get to use mine...

[PeteB]

Merry Christmas ! (to all sufferers of Premature Salutation)