Jokes???

[PeteB]

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night

when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

 

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

 

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it........

[PeteB]

I was watching the women's hockey with my girlfriend and started taking the mickey when they only got bronze.

 

"There's nothing wrong with bronze" she mocked "It's nothing to be ashamed of at all!"

 

Yet when I told her later that she's the third best girlfriend I've had, she went chuffing mental!

[PeteB]

My girlfriend just had a go at me for leaving the toilet seat up....... Even after I explained that I only left it like that so all the piss would run off it.

[tothby1]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

 

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

 

The robot slaps the son.

 

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

 

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

 

Son says, "Toy Story."

 

The robot slaps the son.

 

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

 

Dad says,"What ? At your age I didn't even know what porn was ."

 

The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son ."

 

The robot slaps the mother .

 

Robot for sale

.http://arbtalk.co.uk/forum/images/smiliesmodern/thumbup.gif

[TimberCutterDartmoor]

Is it a slight coincidence that Kate Middleton is an anagram of "Naked Tit Model"?

[jpbeaver]

Stein personal first aid kits!

[Hodge]

That new Protoss helmet:)

[treequip]

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"

 

Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

[Perkins]

A bloke takes his wife to the doctors after she starts acting strange. The

doctor takes some blood samples and says it'll be about a week before

they're analysed.

 

A week passes and the guy rings up the surgery to get the results. Doctor

says, "Look I'm awfully sorry but we got your wife's results mixed up with

another lady, so at the moment we're not sure if she's got Alzheimers or

A.I.D.S.".

 

The bloke says, "oh, that's terrible, what should I do".

 

Doctor says, "Well...if I was you, I'd drive her into the middle of town and drop

her off, and if she finds her way home, don't shag her".

[Big 'Ammer]

Dear Jim,

 

Please can you fix it for me to go on holiday with a pupil from my school who is only 15?

 

yours hopefully,

 

Jeremy Forrest aged 30