Jokes???

[Tree Man Tom]

Came out the supermarket earlier and there was a tramp sat outside, he caught my eye and asked "any change sir" i said nope, still the big house and nice car!

[chaffey]

I have a warning for all you men out there. At my local supermarket there are two scantily clad women that drape themselves all over your car and then you when you get out and whilst doing this they steal your wallet. I was robbed twice yesterday and three times today!!

[MATTMOSS]

My wife turned around and said she is leaving me because of my obsession with trees!!!!!

 

 

I said for sake petal where did all this stem from?

 

Edited April 26, 2012 by Stephen Blair

[geoff]

Italian Funeral ....

 

 

 

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

 

 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

 

 

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

 

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 

"My wife's."

 

''What happened to her?"

 

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

 

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

 

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

 

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

 

"Can I borrow the dog?"

 

The man replied, "Get in line."

[Bob Slade]

Studies have proven that the reason women don't fart as much as men is that they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure in their arse

[Rich2484]

An old women was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she appeared in court, the judge asked what she had taken.

"a tin of peaches" she said

"why did you take it?"

"they looked ever so nice", the old women answered", fancied them for me tea but didn't have any money,"

 

The judge thought for a bit "well, in view of your years I am prepared to be lenient. How many preachers were in the tin?"

"four" answers the old women.

"right that will be four days in jail, one for each peach. Court dismi-"

"your honour" an old man cried.

"yes?"

"my wife also stole a tin of peas"

[Sam Thompson]

Love my new job, I have sex with some many women!

 

 

 

Seriously, try being an undertaker!

[Christopher Schroeter]

Broke me bloody coat hanger this morning. Had to fashion a new one out of a car aerial.

[geoff]

At a Convent in Ireland . . .

. . . the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

 

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

 

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Bushmills Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

 

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail old nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

 

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

 

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

 

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

 

"Don't sell that cow . . ."

[PeteB]

The Hunting Accident

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."