Jokes???

[skyhuck]

took my son for his 1st pint!

got him a stella,he didnt like it so i drunk it?

got him a carlsberg,he didnt like that so i drunk it?

same with guinness and cider,he didnt like them so i drunk them

by the time we got down to the whiskeys,i could hardly push his pram!

 

Hehe!! I like that one!!

[p-hardy]

My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put fifa on and played in snowy conditions

[p-hardy]

Drinking beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean....

 

Against bars, tables and doors

[PeteB]

Fairy liquid have updated their TV commercials to reflect modern England

 

“Mummy why are your hands so soft?”

 

“Cos I’m only fourteen innit, now shut the Hell up and eat your pot noodle before your dad gets home from school”

[slasherscot]

Hurricane Appeal - Please give generously !

 

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental..., man no?"

 

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.

 

Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.

 

Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .

 

One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little bairn Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser then thet".

 

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of

 

 

Walker's Crisps to the area to help stricken locals..

 

Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.

 

Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were..

 

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".

 

Poundland has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services like Burger King will reopen as soon as possible.

 

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

 

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

 

Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) preferably with a silly slogan on the front, Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti and baked beans, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Tenants Super lager and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado , glue or hairspray. Oh and Golden Virginia and Rizla papers.

 

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

Breaking News*

Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue , whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fudd?"

[Martyn Amos]

my mate was diagnosed as a mute today?

i thought he kept that quiet!

[born2trot]

my mate was diagnosed as a mute today?

i thought he kept that quiet!

 

It will fall on deaf ears that one .

 

Sorry I'm outta here......

[Martyn Amos]

skinny white man goes into a lift and looks up at this huge black man who says'before you ask,7ft tall ,350lbs,20" and my balls weigh 3lbs each,turner browns the name,at that the white fella faints?when he comes back around he asks the big black man to say that again,the black man repeats the stats and says my names turner brown!thank for that said the white guy,i thought you said TURN AROUND

Edited December 16, 2011 by Stephen Blair

[PeteB]

Tried erotic suffocation with the wife the other night when we were having sex.

She obviously didnt like it, shes been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment

[slasherscot]

DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited

one of the classes.

 

 

 

 

They were in the middle of a discussion

related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Cameron if he

would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

 

So the

illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

 

A

little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a

fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills

him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

 

'No', said David - 'that would be an

accident.'

 

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin'

fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a

tragedy'

 

'I'm afraid not', explained David - 'that's what we would

call a 'great loss'' .

 

The room went silent. No other children

volunteered. David searched the room.

 

'Isn't there someone here who

can give me an example of a tragedy?'

 

Finally, at the back of the

room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

 

In a quiet voice he said:

 

'If a

plane kerryin' you and Mr.Clegg wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile

& blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

 

'Fantastic!'

exclaimed David. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a

tragedy?'

 

 

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy,

because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....

And it probably

widnae be a accident either!

Edited December 19, 2011 by skyhuck
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