Jokes???

[Chris Gagen]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

 

Have you ever used the product?'

 

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

 

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

 

'We use it for sex.'

 

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

 

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all...

My husband and I put it on the

door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

 

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...! shame on you!!

[Tyz05]

THE CHAVS PRAYER... Our boyfriend who art in prison. Even mum knows not dads name. Thy chavdom come, you'll read the sun, in Exmouth which is in Devon. Give us this day our welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO'S as we happy slap those who got ASBO'S against us. Lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing. For thine is the chavdom, The burberry and The bacardi, Forever and Ever... INNIT!

[Mick Stockbridge]

THE CHAVS PRAYER... Our boyfriend who art in prison. Even mum knows not dads name. Thy chavdom come, you'll read the sun, in Exmouth which is in Devon. Give us this day our welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO'S as we happy slap those who got ASBO'S against us. Lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing. For thine is the chavdom, The burberry and The bacardi, Forever and Ever... INNIT!

 

[Tyz05]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

 

St. Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

 

God says 'We are over quota on ******. Go back to the gates and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a dozen in.

 

' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone',he tells God.

 

'What?'says God, 'All 40 of them?'

 

'No, ....the gates'.

[Mark J]

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.

 

Fosters.

[Big J]

Very good, the last page!

[PeteB]

Terrorists are now planting bombs inside tins of alphabet spaghetti. If just one of them explodes it could spell disaster:blushing:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll get me coat...........................

[PeteB]

A few Scottish jokes

1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:

'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken

'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'

'From my knickers tae ma feet. '

 

2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

'Comfy?'asks the dentist.

'Govan,' she replies.

 

3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?

Oor Wullie.

 

4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'

'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.

'That's affa dear,' says the guy..

 

5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?

He's awa' noo.

 

6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.

'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.

'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

 

7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?

Coo eight.

 

8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.

Which one's a Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.

 

9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.

So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:

'Is there money in the box?'

'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

 

10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:

'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'

And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

 

11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?

Hawkeye The Noo.

 

12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?

A skean dhu.

 

13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

 

14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

 

15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'

And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

 

16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?

A wee fly b*****d.

 

17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?

It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

 

18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?

The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

 

19. Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?

Because the chef was Low Ping.

 

20. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:

'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'

'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.

'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'

'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

 

21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative -

'Aye right.'

 

22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .

When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!

'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.

'Piston broke,' he replies.

'Aye, same as masel...

[Big J]

The olympics are a bit like an orgy - great fun unless you are hosting it.

[tommer9]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

 

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

 

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...

So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!