Jokes???

[Lorry thompson]

Took nearly a minute fore my parents to get that one lol. How sad.

 

Sad but good haha

[Stevie Mac]

What do women and linoleum have in common?

 

Lay them wright first time and you can walk all over them for years

[dave fox]

What do women and linoleum have in common?

 

Lay them wright first time and you can walk all over them for years

now thats a classic:thumbup:

[APC]

(say it out loud)

 

Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd's in his name?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar!

 

 

 

 

[PeteB]

get your coat:sneaky2:

[Lorry thompson]

My friend like to mess around on boats, but he goes overboard sometimes.Quasimodo. That name rings a bell.Albino. You can't say fairer than that.You've got to take your hat off to hair-dressers.You've got to hand it to muggers...I've just got a job as a waiter. It doesn't pay very well, but I put food on the table.Just got a job as a postman. Money's ****, but it keeps me off the streets.My girlfriend was boasting about how good her choice of san tan cream was. I told her not to rub it in.I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes. Things are looking up.I've applied to work at a mirror shop. I hope I get it, I can really see myself working there.I've decided to break up with my blow up doll. I'm going to let her down gently.I know a lot of jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads.My new book I wrote on Poltergeists is flying off the shelves.I fell asleep on a dingy. I just drifted off.I once knew a farmer who did heroin, but he was never caught. The police said that proving it would be like finding a needle in a haystack.Stampedes.... if you don't stand up foryourself, they'll walk all over you.I've been scratching my head all day trying to figure out how I managed to get head lice.I threw out my hoover last week. It was just gathering dust.I dont own a telescope, but its something Im thinking of looking into.Due to inflation, balloons are going up.Me and my best friend reverse our cars everywhere together.We go back a long way.I could talk about asphyxiation till I'm blue in the face.Since starting my new gardening tool business I've been raking it in.Gran's always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach... I just can't believe she fell for it.I've just returned from outer space. I took a book to read while I was up there.Couldn't put it down.This morning I was woken up by an ice cream van outside my house. I opened my window and told him to **** off.He quickly changed his tune.I always win at Twister, hands DownMy mate was raising money for charity and told me he'd entered me in the 1500m.I nearly ran a mile.Dont tease fat kids, they alreadyhave enough on their plate.So what if I can't spell armaggedon? It's not the end of the world.I got a new roof fitted for free the other day. It's on the house.If you can't decide whether to run in the marathon or the hundred metres you should probably choose the marathon.You'll be better off in the long run.An annoying man asked me for directions the other day. I told him where to go.

[felixthelogchopper]

get your coat:sneaky2:

 

Has he pulled?

[Stevie Mac]

Whats the difference between a women and fridge?

 

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

[Dave Martin]

NHS VIEWS on NEW PROPOSALS

 

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London .

[Tommy_B]

Biggest joke I've heard recently is that Andy Carrol is worth £35 Million....