Jokes???

[tommer9]

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

>

> A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how

> many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

>

> In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

> In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

> After 50, they are like onions'.

>

> 'Onions?'

>

> 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

>

> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

> 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

>

> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

>

> In his 20's, his willy is like an oak

> tree, mighty and hard.

>

> In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,

> flexible but reliable.

>

> After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

>

> 'A Christmas tree?'

>

> 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

[tommer9]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

 

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going

to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

 

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,

'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

 

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

 

'Anybody?'

 

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

 

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

 

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

 

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

 

One, you have a dirty mind.

 

Two, you didn't read your homework.

 

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

[nepia]

In the current extreme weather conditions the government advise that you take with you a shovel, a blanket and a hazard light.

 

I felt a right idiot on the bus this morning.

Edited December 11, 2010 by nepia
Got the **** treatment first time

[Matt Butler]

a railway enthusiast was out train spotting and fell on the lines

 

He was chuffed to bits

[nepia]

Don't you hate it when you find something wrong with you. Only the other day I found that one of my testicles was bigger than the other two.

[Mark J]

A fifty-something year old man is struggling to meet ends. He currently supports a daughter in college and a son struggling with both divorce and the foreclosure of his home. The man, crippled by the loss of his adoring wife by cancer and his youngest child, who succumbed to hard drugs and systematic self-destruction, was left completely unable to cope with life itself. At his job as a train operator, he works from dawn to the dead of night and has sold almost all of his possessions in order to support his family. He is determined to see them succeed before he departs from his dreary existence which is the hellish facade called "Life". However, the cost of these sacrifices begin to wear on him as he no longer eats properly or sleeps comfortably. It begins to affect his work ethic and one day, he crashes the train; one hundred and sixty one passengers were injured and three children from the front of the train were rendered comatose from the impact. He is promptly sued by the city and asked to resign. After months of zero support from their father, his children begin to fall like flies to their individual hells. His son shoots himself after being arrested for beating and raping his ex wife. The daughter is hospitalised after collapsing from stress and soon drops out of college altogether. She then ceases all communication with the father, most likely to avoid the shame and disappointment which she feels is evident.

 

The father is soon incarcerated. He has been charged with manslaughter and found guilty. He knows that there is nothing beyond the prison bars and begins to research his own demise.

 

After several weeks of feigning severe psychosis and homicidal tendencies, it is decided that he is to be executed within a few months by electric chair. This is what the man has been waiting for; an end to this parade of madness and infinite anguish.

 

When the time comes to die, he is given his final meal. He eats a rosemary chicken, hoping it would taste like the ones his wife used to cook. Unfortunately, as expected, it does not. The meat is both bland and unsavoury.

 

He is forced onto the electric chair and strapped in. It bothers him that there is a piece of chicken stuck between his teeth, which have shrivelled and rotted after years of neglect and poor maintenance. His throat is dry and he has a sudden pang of thirst to finish what would have been his final glass of water.

 

As the priest reads to him his final prayers, he suddenly begins to sob uncontrollably. He mourns for his family, who he failed to protect and nurture. He is ashamed by the pain he has caused during his job as a train operator. He thinks back to the time when he was a child, where he sat in field of soft grass and heard his mother calling in the distance.

 

A voice calls to his attention. "Any last words?" says the executioner.

 

The man bleakly stares into the incandescent light bulb which illuminates his throne of death like the halo of a supreme being, casting judgement upon his soul.

 

"No." says the man, surprised by his own voice. It was frail and papery, like the rustle of litter being cast aside on a pavement..

 

"Very well." A loud noise emanates within the room as a switch is pulled. The man's constraints tug at his atrophied limbs and worn skin. He clenches his eyes and cries until tears trickle down into his mouth. His last sensation would be the taste of his own cowardice. There is silence which seems to resonate for an eternity.

 

But then, the man realises that he has yet to die.

 

He was a poor conductor.

Edited December 12, 2010 by Mark J
typo

[Pat Ferrett]

I found a tennis ball in the top of a conifer I was working on the other day and put it in my pocket for my dog when I take him down the beach. About 10minutes later the customer came out to check progress and offer me a cuppa, as we chatted she kept looking at my groin and then at me, then my groan, until eventually she asked "whats that" pointing at the bulge in my pocket "tennis ball I replyed " OUCH I bet that hurts she said "I had tennis elbow once "

[nepia]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

[Bob Slade]

A woman playing golf teed off and watched in horror as the ball hit a man playing the next hole.

He clasps his hand together at his groin fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.

The woman rushed to the man and offered to relieve his pain saying she was a physiotherapist.

The man said "no ill be fine", but the woman insisted.

She gently moved his hands, undid his trousers and put her hands inside.

then tenderly massaged for several minutes.

"how does that feel" she said.

"brilliant" said the man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"but i still think my thumbs broken"

[dave fox]

A woman playing golf teed off and watched in horror as the ball hit a man playing the next hole.

He clasps his hand together at his groin fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.

The woman rushed to the man and offered to relieve his pain saying she was a physiotherapist.

The man said "no ill be fine", but the woman insisted.

She gently moved his hands, undid his trousers and put her hands inside.

then tenderly massaged for several minutes.

"how does that feel" she said.

"brilliant" said the man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"but i still think my thumbs broken"

ha ha ha classic