Jokes???

[Stephen Blair]

the mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number fishnets and high heels. she handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down,relax and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she dose best'....i cant wait . i bloody love sheperds pie!

 

[Tree Man Tom]

I was getting my balls sucked by a Sainsbury's checkout girl last night. Unfortunately she started to gag when she swallowed a pube! She didn't find it at all amusing that instead of assisting her I just said "unexpected item in the bagging area."!!!

[chaffey]

Ha ha ha i loved the dog food diet one it made me laugh so much i was crying!! Best joke i've read for ages.

[Mark J]

So, this baby seal walks into a club...

[felixthelogchopper]

Got home last night to find all the doors and windows hanging off and everything gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What sort of git does that to somebody's advent calendar?

[Bob Slade]

Bloke watching TV when his wife came in and said " i just fell down the stairs, gidnt you hear me..?

Husband says " Sorry love i thought it was the start of Eastenders"

[nepia]

If you shake your head from side to side while saying the word 'gullible' it sounds like 'orange'.

[tommer9]

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

>

> A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how

> many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

>

> In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

> In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

> After 50, they are like onions'.

>

> 'Onions?'

>

> 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

>

> This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

> 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

>

> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

>

> In his 20's, his willy is like an oak

> tree, mighty and hard.

>

> In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,

> flexible but reliable.

>

> After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

>

> 'A Christmas tree?'

>

> 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

[tommer9]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

 

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going

to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

 

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,

'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

 

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

 

'Anybody?'

 

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

 

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

 

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.

 

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

 

One, you have a dirty mind.

 

Two, you didn't read your homework.

 

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

[nepia]

In the current extreme weather conditions the government advise that you take with you a shovel, a blanket and a hazard light.

 

I felt a right idiot on the bus this morning.

Edited December 11, 2010 by nepia
Got the **** treatment first time