Jokes???

[the village idiot]

14 minutes ago, eggsarascal said:

Mrs Egg thought it would be a good idea to buy a talking parrot.

 

She took it back after a week.

 

"This parrot hasn't spoken a word", she complained.

 

"I haven't had a fecking chance yet", said the parrot

Very similar thing happened to me Egg.

 

Mrs Idiot bought a mynah bird a few years ago, she also took it back after a week saying it refused to utter a single word.

 

"Oh not again!" fumed the shopkeeper. "those bloody mynah's are forever going on strike!"

[Christopher Schroeter]

What does a native american do after drinking too much PG Tips?
 
A tea pee.

I've just snorted whiskey out of my nose. Thanks for that!!

[Stubby]

11 hours ago, eggsarascal said:

Mrs Egg thought it would be a good idea to buy a talking parrot.

 

She took it back after a week.

 

"This parrot hasn't spoken a word", she complained.

 

"I haven't had a fecking chance yet", said the parrot

Stonker !

[oldwoodcutter]

Friend of mine just had to spend time in hospital after accidentally eating some xmas decorations.
He’s got tinselitus. [emoji52]

[peatff]

I saw a robbery at the Apple store in town and now they want me to appear as an iWitness.

 

I signed up for yodelling classes and they asked is it just you or you and your old lady too ?

 

I was watching two blind guys fighting and I shouted out "£20 on the one with the axe" and they both legged it

[Shane]

18 minutes ago, peatff said:

I saw a robbery at the Apple store in town and now they want me to appear as an iWitness.

 

I signed up for yodelling classes and they asked is it just you or you and your old lady too ?

 

I was watching two blind guys fighting and I shouted out "£20 on the one with the axe" and they both legged it

Isn't there a robbery at the Apple store every time the till rings out?? 

[peatff]

A recent survey has shown that people eat more bananas than monkeys. Personally though, I can honestly say I've never eaten a monkey.

[Stubby]

16 minutes ago, peatff said:

A recent survey has shown that people eat more bananas than monkeys. Personally though, I can honestly say I've never eaten a monkey.

Don't knock it till you've tried it ........

[roboted]

There was a biology student Murdock who was studying balance in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.

He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clutch to the problems of balance in 3D space.

This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.

Murdock filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.

After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.

The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing Murdock to jell. Finally, the department head talked.

The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at Murdock.

“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”

Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”

“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”

[eggsarascal]

Climber phones for an ambulance as his groundie's been hit by a car.

 

Operator asks, "where is he"

 

He replies, " Chyrsanthemum Rd".

 

Operator asks "How do you spell that"

 

The line goes quiet for five minutes.

Operator gets a bit worried.

 

Then the climber says, "Sorry about that, I've just dragged him round to Oak Street.

Edited January 23, 2018 by eggsarascal