When gingers attack

[the village idiot]

Had an unfortunate but all too predictable situation at the Wood today.

 

An unashamedly ginger rival logger strayed onto my patch. He was wielding a mightily impressive double header and was no doubt intent on scrumping some of my trees.

 

Luckily I had been pre warned of this unwelcome visitation. The dark Lord Odin had left the unmistakable portent of a stray crouton in my reliably crouton free Chicken and Mushroom Cup a Soup.

 

I had taken good heed of this warning and for the last two weeks I had been concealed under a blanket of moss, awaiting the unwelcome visitor. Fortunately I had instructed my trusty friend Arzgarth the Putrid to deliver me pepperami's at regular intervals through a discreet slit cut in the sphagnum.

 

Upon hearing the flat footed patter (unique to an axe wielding ginger) I sprung out of my hidey hole to confront the runt.

 

Unfortunately the terrifying effect of my lunge was somewhat compromised, as my 14 days motionless underground had taken it's toll on my muscles. At the apex of my heroic spring all my muscles went into spasm and I landed with a slap at his feet, stiff as an ironing board and squeeking in agony.

 

After a few seconds I regained control of my body and stood up, my plan being to execute the same move again with more aplomb. Unluckily for my assailant he chose this exact moment to straddle me, presumably in order to deliver a fatal axe blow. The point of my Mongolian Battle Hat caught him directly in his ginger nuts and he doubled over in pain, splitting his trousers to reveal an impressive pair of Super Ted underpants.

 

We spent the next three or four minutes wheezing against opposing pines before eventually re-commencing battle. 

 

Luckily for me the ginger impinger had not anticipated resistance and had left his shield in his Suzuki Jimny. This left him open to a flurry of perfectly executed Burmese broadsword backhands, and before long he was reduced to a red and orange dribbling mess at the base of my thigh high Ottoman battle boots.

 

As luck would have it, Arzgarth arrived mid conquest with a hairy fist full of pepperami's and managed to take this snap of the action on the funsnaps camera his wife Megabitch (Slayer of Serenity) got him for Crimbo.

 

 

I post this as a warning to all those who know there to be gingers in the vicinity. Take good heed of your hot instant savoury beverages and show no mercy.

 

 

Arzgarth was so pleased he had finally worked out which button meant 'go' that he soon after doubled his count of successful shots with a selfie.

 

Arzgarth (the putrid)

 

 

 

 

Footnote:  I just received a telegram from the Forestry Commission. Apparently one of their woodland officers was going to pop in to return an axe I had lent them and discuss the latest grant proposals. He was on his way home from a Middle Earth battle re-enactment.

 

Hope he shows up soon, I need to alert him to the worrying resurgence of the Orange Order, introducing un-natural pigmentation to nature's beautiful palette.

 

Stay vigilant.  TVI.

[Stubby]

Phew . Thanks for the heads up V.I.

[Rough Hewn]

Nutter
[emoji23][emoji12][emoji3]

[htb]

Can I have whatever your drinking

[the village idiot]

3 minutes ago, htb said:

Can I have whatever your drinking

I lick the dew from the wind bitten cheeks of frosty maidens htb. 

[htb]

3 minutes ago, the village idiot said:

I lick the dew from the wind bitten cheeks of frosty maidens htb. 

Well its parky enough up here, unlike the temperate climes of suffolk last week when we were at in-laws

[the village idiot]

33 minutes ago, htb said:

Well its parky enough up here, unlike the temperate climes of suffolk last week when we were at in-laws

Yes, my drinking preferences generally result in me being pretty parched. Thought I might broaden the range a little and try some of that Um bongo. Arzgarth drinks it all the time and shows no ill effects.

[stihlmadasever]

This blatant targeting of gingers is concerning to say the least.I think you may have some deep seated psycological issues in your contempt for the frecklie folk-axe wielding or otherwise.

May i suggest your grow your gingery beard and walk amoungst us for a sustained period to experience first hand how we are routinely subjected to ridicule and bigotry by people such as yourself.

Contrary to popular belief we take pride in our natural pale pigmintation and celebrate our frecklage by dancing and frolicking on a friday,raising our glasses of iron bru to the ginger god who bestowed us with his fire in his own likeness.

Rejoice in your ginger genes...

Rejoice for you are one of us..

Rejoice...

[spudulike]

Note the similarity......

[spudulike]

I'm blaming mushrooms of the magic variety.......bad stuff!