the village idiot

Chapter 11: Lumber Jack. Miss Crumble said unto her friends, "This is where my journey ends. It's high time folks that I was gone, I fear I left the oven on!" "Right Dog Food" said Idiot, freezing Between bouts of consistent sneezing. "Use your nose as it is meant, And pick up evil Gerty's scent." "Alas my friend, the answer's no! My nostrils are both full of snow! Unless I clear my nose of junk, I couldn't even track a Skunk!" Said Idiot, "I'll fix you soon, Have a Mentholyptus Tune. Wait a moment and you'll see, It will help you breathe more easily!" Dog Food sucked upon the sweet, And do you know? It worked a treat! Past the Idiot Dog Food barged, His nostrils now both turbocharged! Through a storm of hail and sleet, They followed scent of Gerty's feet. After a mile, nothing more, They heard the buzzing of a saw! In a stand of Douglas Fir, Toiled a stocky forester. Felling quickly every tree, With his 346 xp! With arms as broad as they were long, The woodman looked immensely strong! The chisled chin upon this man, Put them in mind of Desperate Dan! His skilful work on every tree, Meant they all fell perfectly. There's nothing that infuriates, Like a tree hung up in mates! Noticing Idiot and Dog Food, He approached them in a jolly mood. And clapping them upon the back, Said "Howdy chaps, I'm Lumber Jack!" To be continued...

A good friend of us all called Jon Was worried about his roof staying on Whilst Sonia sat to do her knitting Jon hung from the lightbulb fitting A gust of great proportion blew Took the roof and poor Jon too! The wind took him across the sea "Now where's the best Steak in Italy?":thumbup:

Chapter 10: Pie in the sky. "Hello, this is your captain speaking, I've done all the required tweaking. Your flight includes some home baked treats, Now please could passengers take their seats." Mrs Crumble, face abeam Was acting out her childhood dream. She wisely chose to not explain, She'd never actually flown a plane! The Idiot squeezed behind Miss Crumble, Dog Food sighed a horsey grumble, Thanking not his lucky stars As he climbed aboard the handlebars! With Mrs Crumble's legs a blur, The well oiled chain began to purr. Dog Food could not help but cry, As they lifted off into the sky! The flight was not at all serene, With Dog Food turning white then green As Mrs Crumble, cock a hoop, Insisted on a loop the loop! The mid flight meal of Banana custard Was from concealed thermos mustered. Dog Food ejected his Pavlova, During the third straight up and over! The thing that really took it's toll Was the daring barrell roll! Dog Food's mind, already tainted Gave up the good fight and fainted! At last the flight was almost through, A white landscape came into view. Crumble, currant bun in hand, Brought the aircraft in to land. Here she made a big mistake, Forgetting to apply the brake! The three man aeronautics show Concluded in a drift of snow! Dog Food woke up from his doze, And cleared the snow out from his nose. Crumble asked, as well she might, "I do hope you enjoyed the flight!" To be continued...

Chapter 9: Tea for three. The home of Mrs Apple Crumble, Was what one might describe a jumble, With pots and pans up to the rafters, Presumably for baking afters. Every shelf that they could see, Was filled with fine patisserie A trifle sat on every stair, The smell of cake mix filled the air! "Now sit down boys and tell your tale, My guess is that you came by sail? I'll fetch some treats, then you'll feel better, Are you fond of Vienetta? Of the Witch he spoke with care, Pausing for a cream eclair. "My my" said Crumble, mind a'whirl, "She seemed like such a lovely girl!" "She left by broom a day ago, To the land of Ice and snow. Her aim is to bestow on man Annihilation.. Raspberry Flan?" "I think" The Idiot told his host, Spitting crumbs of raisin toast, "We must make haste and boldly go, To this land of which of know!" Said Apple Crumble "I'd love to! It's many years past that I flew. The baking's fun, I can't deny, But really I was born to fly!" She fumbled under where she sat, And unearthed an old Biggles hat. With goggles on she looked absurd, "Come out back and meet the bird!" Behind the house a short path led, To an old and leaky shed. Crumble led them both inside, Hit the lights and beamed with pride. Within the shed, now bathed in light, Swung an enormous paper kite. Below it, strapped on good and proper, Hung an old red Raleigh Chopper! To be continued...

Are you acting out the 'Story at Bedtime' Silky?

Phew!! I'm glad someone's reading it:blushing:

You're a braver man than me Maxwell!

"I'm ready for you now Mr Dodd"

Last bit of sillyness for the weekend:001_rolleyes: Chapter 8: Apple Crumble. If the Witch was here to find, Then surely she would dwell behind The door which barred their entry to The house on which black ivy grew? The house was dark and grimly creepy, Radiating evil deeply, Atop the porch there sat a Crow. The garden let no flowers grow. From the bag the axe was drawn As they advanced across the lawn. He rang the bell with hand a quaking And caught a pleasant whiff of baking? As the door was opened slow, The axe was raised to strike a blow. "Oh joy! A knife to cut my toffee, Won't you gentlemen stay for coffee?" Beyond the door a woman stood, The shape of a hearty Christmas Pud. An apron hung around her hips, A friendly smile caressed her lips. "Are you the Witch, devoid of charm, Inflicting Badgers with great harm, Who revels in all blood and gore?" "Oh no my dear, she lives next door!" "Come on in love, don't be shy, I'll warm you up some Apple Pie! Your horse looks like he's half way gone I bet he'd like a nice fresh scone!" "I really am most sad to say, You've missed the Witch by just one day! Gerty left with a plan in mind, To wipe out all of humankind." The idiot gawped in disbelief. "This evil plan gives you no grief?" "Good gracious no" said Apple Crumble, "When life gets tough one mustn't grumble," The day had proved a gruelling test, Our hero's were in need of rest. As stomach's both began to rumble, They gave themselves to Mrs. Crumble. To be continued...

Chapter 7: Doomed. Dog Food, not a moment soon Picked a likely looking spoon. And feeling just a little stressed He bailed just like a horse posessed! The idiot chose his favourite ladle, Bestowed on him whilst still in cradle, Gifted by a kindly Druid And mighty fine for shifting fluid! With water ingress so severe, Our hero's had no time to steer. The wind had got them at her whim, Their future here was looking grim! Six days on and all but sunk, Beneath the hull they heard a clunk! "My friend, believe me when I say, We live to fight another day!" Dog Food knew not what to say, Emotive words were not his way. For six long nights he hadn't slept, He leaned into his friend and wept!. The 'Like a Stone' had come to land, Upon a beach of jet black sand. And by coincidence indeed, They'd pitched up by a sign to read! WELCOME TO THE ISLE OF DOOM! A LAND OF DARK OPRESSIVE GLOOM! DWELL YE LONG- WITH LIFE YOU'LL PAY. WE DO HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY! One mile wide and one mile deep, With pitch black cliffs, insanely steep, The Isle of Doom, like Coventry, Was not a happy place to be! Atop a craggy hill due West, A pair of dwellings there did rest. One was pretty, green and white, The other grim and black as night! A path towards the homesteads led, Along it our two friends did tread. And what was to become their fate? You'll have to wait for Chapter 8! To be continued...

Sorry Mesterh, these clothes are all I have! I could take them off if you'd prefer?

Chapter 6: Bad Trip! PARENTAL ADVISORY: Chapter 6 of 'An Idiot Abroad' contains instances of excessive drug use and scenes of a 60's nature. Certificate 5. The voyage started happily, Strong of wind and calm of sea. The only thing to cause them fear? The strength of Spratt's Moroccan Gear! The Captain chuffed the whole day long, Upon a most impressive bong. At night he switched to 'herbal' tea, And dropping tabs of LSD! His behaviour soon became absurd, The idiot thought-best have a word! Spratt looked hurt, "I have no habit, And why have you become a Rabbit?" Captain Spratt was in the grip Of one almighty nightmare trip! With dope more strong than expectations, He was having hallucinations! Said Captain Spratt, all wide of eye, "You're now Steak and Kidney Pie! That's my favourite dish of course, Just wait there I'll fetch the sauce! "My boat it seems is made of cheese, Dog Food's morphed into John Cleese! I'M A FISH, I MUST SWIM FREE!" Spratt threw himself into the sea! "Oh great" said Dog Food "now we're shafted, Adrift in a boat so badly crafted. I've been below to take a peek, We've sprung a rather nasty leak!" The idiot said he understood, The tape had parted with the wood! "Fear not my friend, from recollection, I'm sure I packed my spoon collection!" Dog Food sighed, "For goodness sake! We're drowning here, not eating cake! The time and place for cutlery, Is not whilst filling up with sea!" The Village Idiot gave no heed To scolding from the midget steed. "My trusty spoons you must now borrow, And bail out like there's no tomorrow!" To be continued...

:lol::lol:

Great story, nice one:thumbup: I bet they knew exactly what they were doing though!

The way this thing's going I think I may have already started!

Chapter 5: Like a stone. Our hero's had some time to kill, So approached the man behind the till. "Two mugs please of your finest ale, To quench our thirst before we sail." The landlord chose a keg of Oak, Out of which a tube did poke. The idiot felt a chill most spinal, The pipe led to the men's urinal! They both were parched, and money's spent, So down the gullet said drinks went. The beer was strong and brightly yellow, But after three the taste did mellow! Once the entire keg was sunk, Dog Food the horse was blindly drunk. The idiot himself was far from stable, And fell asleep beneath the table. Outside had turned from light to dark. "My drunken friend, we must embark. Captain Spratt will be delayed" So forthwith to the dock they swayed. Amongst the boats at rest that night, They found a craft bereft of light. Said Idiot "God only knows- I've seen more sturdy pedalo's!" The 'Like a Stone' was in poor repair, Across her sail an ugly tear. The hull was rotten, with holes agape, Hastily patched with Gaffa Tape! At the wheel stood Captain Spratt, A halibut beneath his hat! "Welcome aboard my humble boat, I'm fairly sure she's going to float!" Captain Spratt seemed in a daze, His wayward eyes did hold a glaze. Between his teeth all brown and rotten, Hung a spliff of pure Moroccan! The jolly sailor took a toke, And blew an anchor with the smoke. He span the wheel and checked the tide, "Sit back my friends and enjoy the ride!" To be continued...

Oops! No sorry, that's Felix's cat. I'm 5'11 and 14 stone.

2'2" and 25 stone.

Chapter 4: Captain Spratt. The road to Dragnet Inn was tough, And by day three they'd had enough. "I know, let's play the game 'I Spy' It will really help the time fly by!" "I Spy with my little eye Something starting with a Y" Dog Food said impatiently, "I'm blind you twonk, this ain't for me." Five days and nights had passed in all Before they reached the City wall. A fishing port it once had been, Before they'd trawled the ocean clean. The City having lost it's trade, A heavy price it now had paid. The once proud port of Roll-yer'mops Was now all Greggs and betting shops! The Dragnet Inn stood by the dock, And on it's door they both did knock. It opened with a mighty creak, Into a scene intensely bleak. The Inn was serving just one drinker, And this poor chap was quite a stinker! Captain Spratt was old and grey, A herring on his shoulder lay. His eyes pointed in two directions, Detering all the girls' affections. Thick mucus dribbled from his ear, Topping up his pint of beer! The idiot sat down by his side, And told of his great quest with pride. The idiot's tale old Spratt did channel, Before getting up to wring his flannel. A minute later he re-appeared, Grinning relief beneath his beard. "I can help you find the Witch. But mark my words, she's quite a bitch!" "Meet me at the quay tonight. Find the ship that bears no light. I'll ferry you to the Isle of Doom To meet the Lady of the broom!" To be continued...

Word has it he's over a Bolam's place.He's refused to even hear wish number three due to the disturbing nature of the first two!

I trust you intend to dress the part?

He wasted wish one and two on the photo of Count Ducula and the really big spoon. His third wish was the new outfit.

Chapter 3: The Windy Frog. The idiot was in a chipper mood, Sat astride his steed Dog Food. They had to find the Bubbling Bog To quiz a fabled flatulant frog. The Bubbling Bog was due South West, To get there though would prove a test. The forest here was tightly knit With trees his mount was sure to hit! After collision twenty two Dog Food said the day was through. They set up camp beneath a Willow It's mossy roots a natural pillow. Half way through the second day An acrid stench wafted their way. The bog was near, but Holy Moses! They wished they hadn't packed their noses! Approaching the pool they heard a POP! As bubbles rose up to the top. "Sorry folks but it appears I may have had too many beers!" The frog atop a fallen log Released a puff of evil fog. "It's carnage in my guts today, I suggest you fella's keep away!" The idiot, though his head was reeling, Addressed the frog with strength of feeling. "We seek the Witch of much mischief, I must inflict upon her grief." Said the frog through clouds of gas, "Yes indeed, I know the lass. Two badgers they did this way come And said they'd like to give her some!" "To find the Witch you choose to seek, To Captain Spratt you'll have to speak. Find him at the 'Dragnet Inn' He'll be inside there downing gin." The idiot bade the frog farewell, Glad to escape the awful smell. The frog looked on as they departed, Cocked one leg and duly farted! To be continued...

Chapter 2: Dog Food the Wonderhorse. After chatting with his friend 'Old Brock' The idiot rested to take stock. He knew he must avenge this deed Against the harmless badger breed. He began to gather up provisions, Deciding not to make decisions. So into his moleskin saddlebag Went the following vital swag. His trusty combat pantaloons, A selection of his favourite spoons. A double headed battleaxe With blades encased in hessian sacks. The handle from the bathroom door, Vaseline for the saddle sore. An old but working bat detector And a flagon of potent Numpty's Nectar. A purse of ancient Pagan runes, A pack of mentholyptus Tunes. And last of all the vital thing, His crossbow with the rat-gut string. With bags all packed he now felt able To lock the door and approach the stable. This was the home of his trusty steed, A very singular horse indeed! His name was Pedigree Chumpington Snort, AKA 'Dog Food' for short. Being a Shetland he lacked in height, And at some time past he'd lost his sight! Now Dog Food was slow, with a tendancy To collide with every passing tree. But loyal was he and stout of heart The two were seldom seen apart. "Hi Ho! Dog Food" exclaimed the rider Swigging from his horn of cider. "An epic trip we have in store." Dog Food soiled the stable floor! The thrilling adventure had begun. A daring deed which must be done. They headed for the forest fringes, Relieving the front gate of it's hinges! To be continued...