Jokes???

[markieg31]

sloth. what on earth sort of card game is that???

[PeteB]

My mate from up the street just came round banging on my door, shouting:

"Can I use your phone quick? There's Jimmy Saville just been run over down the road and he's bleeding to death."

I said: "What's wrong with your phone?"

He said: "The camera's **** on mine...."

[PeteB]

LIDL JOB INTERVIEW

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,

Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.

There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had

found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same

question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** myself..'

Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!

[Ropechucka]

You won't be hearing from me for a while chaps, i'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.......

......I gotta lilo.....

[markieg31]

Peteb on top form again!!! :lol:

[markieg31]

johny walks into the the back room of the church to find the priest shaking hands with the governor of love.

'What are you doing reverend?'

The priest replies ' Well Johny i am masturbating, soon you will be doing this'.

'Why'? said Johny

'because my wrist is killing me!'

[PeteB]

I was going to make a gay joke,

 

Butt bugger it!

[sloth]

....some people!

[Christopher Schroeter]

....some people!

 

The scary thing is they aren't joking!

[Mycoman]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate. He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered.