Jokes???

[markieg31]

love it

[Bob Slade]

The "5" Symptoms of Laziness

 

1.

[Old WoodChip]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY,"

where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and

can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

 

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

 

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful --

the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

 

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.

I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems:

 

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

 

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

 

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

[Stubby]

They have crossed a shitzu with a pit bull .... its called a bullshit .

[GeeSaw]

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

 

When chemists die, they barium.

 

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

 

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

 

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

 

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

 

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

 

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

 

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

 

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

 

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

 

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

 

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

 

Broken pencils are pointless.

 

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

 

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

 

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

 

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

 

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

 

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

 

Velcro - what a rip off !

 

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

 

Venison for dinner? Oh deer !

 

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

 

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[GeeSaw]

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge

and says "Fancy a shag Babe?" I said, "After the football love"

She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"

I said, "That's Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

 

 

 

I went to see a psychic last weekend and was told that I would be coming

into money. Last night I shagged a girl called Penny..... F**king spooky or what!!!

 

 

 

Americans Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip.

They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers.

Barman serves them and asks "You guys been on vacation yet?"

"We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."

Barman says " England 's great; the culture, history, the Queen.

Jeff replies "We don't go for that ****, it's the only chance Jim gets to

drive the f**king car.

 

 

 

My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.

I said, 'I really dont want 2 answer that love, u know I've had a past & I

don't want 2 upset u!' 'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'

So I had to sit there and count them all.1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.

 

 

 

A husband emerged from the bathroom clearly aroused and naked.

As he leapt into bed his wife complained, as usual, "I've a headache!"

"Perfect!" her husband exclaimed. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my

penis with crushed asprin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's

up to you!"

 

 

 

My Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem, she wasn't

pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills

 

 

 

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash.

A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood

back!. So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable git,

I'll pay you back monthly!"

 

And the moral of this story is :-

Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man!, there will ALWAYS be a string attached!

 

 

I was at a wedding reception when the dj announced 'all the married men out

there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'.

The barman was crushed to death

 

 

 

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

 

 

 

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me: 'How did you find her body?'

I said, 'Her tits were ok, but the rigormortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking'

 

[oldwoodcutter]

Mate of mine got woken up in middle of the night by a banging on his front door,reluctantly,as the noise increases he goes down and opens it to see a young scruf of the hooded variety wanting a push.

After telling him to clear off he goes back to bed and tells his old woman what was up.

She said that was very mean of you,when we broke down and knocked someone up they helped us if you remember.

So down he goes ,opens door and calls out into the night,to hear in the darkness "give me a push mate"

Shining his torch onto the lawn he sees the young scrote sitting on the swing.

[markieg31]

My wife was trying to be sexy last night. She lay on the bed licking a lollipop, then she started slowly sliding it into her love box.I said "steady on love, you'll need that to see the kids across the road at school in the morning

[Mycoman]

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

 

 

 

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

 

 

 

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

 

 

 

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

 

 

 

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

.

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

[sandy2210]

Three Alsations in the pound discussing why they were in first one says that he was playing with the neighbours children when he got exited and peed on the floor

why are you here asked the other two

to be put down he says

second one say he saw a new postman comeing up the path and got exited and bit him

what are you here for asks the other two

to be put down he replys

third one says he was watching his misstress taking a shower and when she came out i got over exited and sh****d her

why are you here asked the other two

to get my claws cut!!!