Jokes???

[Rich2484]

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Jackie, his darling of 10 glorious years.

 

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

 

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

 

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

 

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

 

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

 

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

 

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

 

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO, The duck didn't say THAT !

 

 

... Don't be SO disgusting!

 

 

 

The duck said....

 

 

'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MISTAKE!!

 

 

Excellent. :lol:

[geoff]

Fifty Shades of Grey - A husbands view

 

The missus bought a Paperback

...down Shepton, Saturday,

I had a look inside her bag;

 

....T'was "fifty shades of grey".

 

Well I just left her to it,

 

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread…..

 

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

 

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

 

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

 

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

.....I am the dominater !!

 

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

 

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!

 

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

 

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of Grey.

[Justme]

Fifty Sheds Of Grey now offers a treat for men.

 

Here are some extracts for you to enjoy.........

 

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

 

She stood before me, trembling and naked in my shed. “I'm yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to Nando’s.

 

We stood alone on the idyllic white beach. She shed her clothes. I shed my inhibitions. At that moment I knew it would always be about sheds.

 

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

 

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

 

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

 

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.

 

I'm a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’ So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

 

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

 

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

 

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You've got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

 

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

 

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

 

My body writhed and quivered from the pain. I had learned my next lesson. Never again would I leave an upturned plug on the shed floor.

 

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Cold Play CD.

[PeteB]

Sweet! Some of those are brilliant!

[Matthew Arnold]

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked,Whats this for? A pay rise.My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.......

[Mark Bolam]

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked,Whats this for? A pay rise.My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.......

 

Like that Matt, mint.

[nepia]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

 

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

 

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

 

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

 

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

 

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

 

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

 

Johnny: Six.

 

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

 

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

 

A very angry Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

 

A very angry Johnny: I've already got a cat!!!

Edited November 4, 2012 by Stephen Blair

[RobRainford]

I've just realised how evil tree houses really are, it's like killing someone and nailing them to his mate

[Big J]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards......forwards then backwards......back and forth.........back and forth........in and out.........in and out.

Her heart was now pounding faster, her face flushed as she moaned, softly at first........then she began to groan louder! Finally.....totally exhausted she let out an almighty scream!!!

 

"Ok, Ok! -- I can't park the effing car! ----You do it you smug bastard!!"

[geoff]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards......forwards then backwards......back and forth.........back and forth........in and out.........in and out.

Her heart was now pounding faster, her face flushed as she moaned, softly at first........then she began to groan louder! Finally.....totally exhausted she let out an almighty scream!!!

 

"Ok, Ok! -- I can't park the effing car! ----You do it you smug bastard!!"

 

:laugh1: