Jokes???

[tothby1]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

 

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

 

The robot slaps the son.

 

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

 

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

 

Son says, "Toy Story."

 

The robot slaps the son.

 

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

 

Dad says,"What ? At your age I didn't even know what porn was ."

 

The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son ."

 

The robot slaps the mother .

 

Robot for sale

.http://arbtalk.co.uk/forum/images/smiliesmodern/thumbup.gif

[TimberCutterDartmoor]

Is it a slight coincidence that Kate Middleton is an anagram of "Naked Tit Model"?

[jpbeaver]

Stein personal first aid kits!

[Hodge]

That new Protoss helmet:)

[treequip]

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"

 

Husband says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

[Perkins]

A bloke takes his wife to the doctors after she starts acting strange. The

doctor takes some blood samples and says it'll be about a week before

they're analysed.

 

A week passes and the guy rings up the surgery to get the results. Doctor

says, "Look I'm awfully sorry but we got your wife's results mixed up with

another lady, so at the moment we're not sure if she's got Alzheimers or

A.I.D.S.".

 

The bloke says, "oh, that's terrible, what should I do".

 

Doctor says, "Well...if I was you, I'd drive her into the middle of town and drop

her off, and if she finds her way home, don't shag her".

[Big 'Ammer]

Dear Jim,

 

Please can you fix it for me to go on holiday with a pupil from my school who is only 15?

 

yours hopefully,

 

Jeremy Forrest aged 30

[geoff]

There is a factory in Essex which makes Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8am.

 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

 

"I'm sorry" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... your job is to give Elmo 'two test tickles'".

__________________

[treequip]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

 

She asked, 'Do you have Viagra?'

 

'Yes,' he answered.

 

She asked, 'Does it work?'

 

'Yes,' he answered.

 

'Can you get it over the counter?' she asked.

 

'I can if I take two,' he said.

[jpbeaver]

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Jackie, his darling of 10 glorious years.

 

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

 

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

 

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

 

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

 

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

 

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

 

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

 

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO, The duck didn't say THAT !

 

 

... Don't be SO disgusting!

 

 

 

The duck said....

 

 

'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MISTAKE!!