Jokes???

[Martyn Amos]

my mate was diagnosed as a mute today?

i thought he kept that quiet!

[born2trot]

my mate was diagnosed as a mute today?

i thought he kept that quiet!

 

It will fall on deaf ears that one .

 

Sorry I'm outta here......

[Martyn Amos]

skinny white man goes into a lift and looks up at this huge black man who says'before you ask,7ft tall ,350lbs,20" and my balls weigh 3lbs each,turner browns the name,at that the white fella faints?when he comes back around he asks the big black man to say that again,the black man repeats the stats and says my names turner brown!thank for that said the white guy,i thought you said TURN AROUND

Edited December 16, 2011 by Stephen Blair

[PeteB]

Tried erotic suffocation with the wife the other night when we were having sex.

She obviously didnt like it, shes been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment

[slasherscot]

DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited

one of the classes.

 

 

 

 

They were in the middle of a discussion

related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Cameron if he

would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

 

So the

illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

 

A

little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a

fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills

him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

 

'No', said David - 'that would be an

accident.'

 

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin'

fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a

tragedy'

 

'I'm afraid not', explained David - 'that's what we would

call a 'great loss'' .

 

The room went silent. No other children

volunteered. David searched the room.

 

'Isn't there someone here who

can give me an example of a tragedy?'

 

Finally, at the back of the

room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

 

In a quiet voice he said:

 

'If a

plane kerryin' you and Mr.Clegg wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile

& blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

 

'Fantastic!'

exclaimed David. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a

tragedy?'

 

 

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy,

because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....

And it probably

widnae be a accident either!

Edited December 19, 2011 by skyhuck
language

[PeteB]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

 

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[nepia]

I told the wife that according to reincarnation we all come back as different creatures.

She said "I'd like to come back as a cow".

I said "You obviously haven't been listening".

[PeteB]

I didn't realise that I had dyslexia, until I went to a Toga party dressed as a Goat!

[oldwoodcutter]

I was offered 8 reindeer legs for £40 the other day,do you think thats too dear?

[seniorgup]

I was offered a sat nav for £600 the other day.... I told him where to go