Jokes???

[Lorry thompson]

Two tree surgeons walk into a bar.The barman asks, "What you having fellers?"

[Mark Bolam]

I found my wife dead the other day. She just lay there lifeless so I decided to have sex with her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO!

 

Some people are just sick in the head.

[geoff]

Oh dear Mark.....up to the usual quality!

[Lorry thompson]

On the way up an oak I noticed this,tickled me!

 

011 by geoff321, on Flickr

 

Best graffiti I'd heard of my mate seen some writing on a toilet wall in really scribbly writing saying "I'm gonna #### your mam up the ####" then underneath in neat writing "go home dad your drunk" haha

[Big J]

I had an argument with a lollipop lady this morning.

 

She made me cross.

[RobRainford]

My wife asked me to send her a dirty text message today. So I texted kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room.

 

[Tommy_B]

I found my wife dead the other day. She just lay there lifeless so I decided to have sex with her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted BOO!

 

Some people are just sick in the head.

 

I'm sitting here crying at that one Bill. Superb!!

[BobG]

I spent 2 hours at the wife's grave today, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

[oldwoodcutter]

My mate spilt his scrabble box getting out of his car.

I asked him what's the word on the street?

[MankeyJohn]

25 Signs That Prove - "You've Grown Up"

 

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can''t smoke any of them.

 

2. Fooling around in a twin bed is out of the question.

 

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

 

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

 

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

 

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

 

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

 

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

 

10. Now you're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

 

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you.

 

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

 

13. Your car insurance goes down.

 

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

 

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

 

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6PM.

 

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

 

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

 

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

 

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

 

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

 

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

 

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

 

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

 

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.