Jokes???

[oldwoodcutter]

They have invented new medication for depressed lesbians,its called tricoxagain.

[High Scale]

What do you call a Chav in a box? Init.

 

What do you call a Chav in a locked box? Safe.

[chaffey]

Met a bird down my local the other night. Told her she was just like my little toe! She said 'why's that cos i'm small and cute'? I said no it's because i'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table!!

[Matthew Arnold]

Teacher says to Johnny "where's Pakistan?" Johnny says " out in the playground with Pakisteve."

 

I was at the doctors last week, and told him my recurring delusion: that i kept thinking that i was a moth. He told me i should be down the corridor in the Psychiatrist's office. "I know i should," i replied "but you light was on and i just had to come in..."

 

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

I have Alzheimers

Cheese on Toast.

[Daniël Bos]

How did the fairy get pregnant?

She sat on a toads tool.

 

 

When's a fairy not a fairy?

 

When she's got her head in a pixie's pants, then she's a goblin

[Paulfreebury]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm a scitsafrenic

And so am I

[geoff]

The Reverend

 

 

 

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

 

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

 

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

 

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

 

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

 

The pub barkeep looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

 

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.

 

I'm Pastor Fluff."

 

The barkeep said, "Ah well, if you're that far , ye might as well finish."

[pgkevet]

A Texan on holiday in Ireland to discover his roots goes into a country pub. He buys a pit and starts chatting to Paddy at the bar:

 

"So what do you do for a living?" Asks the Texan

 

"For sure, I've got a couple of acres that I farm." Paddy replies.

 

The Texan proudly answers. "I have a place too. I can get on my horse before breakfast and ride all day without even stopping for lunch and by nightfall I'm only halfway across my land."

 

"Ah Begorrah, if I didn't have a horse like that too, once."

[geoff]

Hot and cold sex

 

 

 

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear

to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask

me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually

cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am

usually hot and sweaty."

 

 

 

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears

to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss

with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns

 

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He

claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first

time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

*"Oh, that stupid old fart''* she replied. "That's because the first

time is usually in January, and the second time is in August

[oldwoodcutter]

Mrs oldwoodcutter and i went to a bulimia awareness fundraising party on saturday night.

Blimey,the place was heaving.