Jokes???

[treequip]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

 

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

 

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

 

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

 

14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

 

16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

 

17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

 

21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

22. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

 

23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

 

24. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

 

25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

28. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

 

29. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

30. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

31. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

32. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

33. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

34. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

36. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

37. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

38. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

[Lorry thompson]

NEWS: Burglar falls inside combine harvester while on the run from police.He will be released on bail.

[Gareth Smith]

A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "What's the eggs for?" Asks the husband. She replied "every time we had crap sex i would put an egg in the box. "Not bad" says the husband, "3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash?" he asks. "Every time i got a dozen i sold them for £2 "!

[Gareth Smith]

A girl calls her Mother, Mum I'm getting a divorce. 'A Divorce? Why?' The mother asks shocked, 'Mum all he wants is bum sex. I used to have a lovely little bumhole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece. The mother says, 'Sweetie, you have a lovely home, a porsche, a platinum credit card, villa in marbella, kids in private school, and 6 holidays a year and you want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?

[Lorry thompson]

Got in a fight with a towel today.Wiped the floor with it.

[Lyn Ed]

A welshman gets washed up on a desert island with just a sheep and a collie dog for company, after a few days he starts to feel a little frisky and starts eyeing up the sheep, the collie dogs instincts kick in and it wont let him anywhere near the sheep. The following morning to his delight a beautiful young girl is washed ashore "can you do me a favour" asks the welshman "anything you want" says the girl "can you take this bloody dog for a walk"

[Lorry thompson]

Ever since she fell pregnant my wife has really objected to the noise coming from the brothel downstairs.Must be the whore moans.

 

 

I have a bad taste in sad jokes I reckon my jokes might spoil this thread too haha

[kernowstu]

two goldfish in a tank,one says to the other these are buggers to drive

[Lorry thompson]

Thems the jokes I like haha

[Mark J]

My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.