Jokes???

[TIMON]

Have we nearly left yet?

[Big J]

Just mentioned to the missus that I've always had a thing for Beyoncé. 

"Whatever floats your boat" she said

 

"No" I said, "that's buoyancy." 

[felixthelogchopper]

[Rough Hewn]

[Rich Rule]

[Ratman]

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!

[Rough Hewn]

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji106]

[Khriss]

Did Not see that coming. Outstanding ? k

[maybelateron]

This is actually true, but you may have heard it before:

 

Notice at one out patients department said "For Family planning use rear entrance"

[TIMON]

Little girl goes to see Santa in his grotto...

Santa “Hello little girl, what would you like Santa to get you for Christmas?”

Little girl... “I’d love a real unicorn!”

Santa. “ oh c’mon, try and be a little bit more realistic, what can I get you?”

Little girl. “I’d love to have a government that really cared about the country, kept its promises and delivered on referendum results”

Santa... “so, what colour would you like your unicorn? “