Jokes???

[eggsarascal]

[westphalian]

[eggsarascal]

[Rough Hewn]

Chelsea tractor drivers

[westphalian]

I was a confirmed atheist until I saw this image of Jesus

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[westphalian]

Oops sorry. Didn’t get the framing right

[Rough Hewn]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.

[eggsarascal]

Nicked from elsewhere.

NORTHERNERS 

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?' 

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?' 

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.' 

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused. 

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.' 

God continued, pointing to the different countries. 

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.' 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?' 

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.' 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!' 

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!
 

 

[Ratman]

[Billhook]

Man goes up to heaven and meets St Peter at the gate.   "You have been a good man and you are welcome to walk through the pearly gates into heaven and meet God,  but I feel I should warn you before you enter........She's black!"